Beyonce Speaks

Beyonce appeared at the CFDA fashion awards on Monday night and allowed us mere mortals to hear her speak, while Blue Ivy choreographed her latest resting bitch face.

While they slayed, everyone else was as expected. A fucking mess.

The Witches Of Eastwick


Elizabeth Olsen escorted her grandmother’s Mary Kate & Ashley (who were nominated for womenswear ‘Designers Of The Year’ for their fashion line ‘Dead Inside’) to the event. The fashion line recently came under fire after it was revealed the clothes are made exclusively by former child stars who now work in a sweatshop, earning just 6 marlboro lights a month. Head seamstress Amanda Bynes told ‘This American Life’ her shocking story: “People think I’ve had a breakdown and disappeared, but I’ve really just been working here. I was told this was going to lead to a full-time role on Full House, instead, here I am, two years later sewing black sacks together like a fucking pleb. Ashley had Lindsay Lohan doing laps around the place yesterday, barefoot, because she wore something with a bit of colour on it. Turns out it was just a stain from a kebab she had eaten, but we’re not allowed to eat either, so she only made it worse for all of us by telling them that. Fucking sap”.

Her Royal Highness Of Life


Jay Z showed up with his head of security, Blue Ivy.

Blue Ivy can be seen here demanding someone fetch Becky’s hair so she can throw it at any basic bitch who gets in her way.

The Original Bae (Basic.All day.Errrrr Day.)


Speaking of basic bitches, Lauren Conrad was somehow invited. Draped in a nightdress and some guys jacket from the night before, she accessorized this basic bitch uniform with highlights from 1996 and completed the look with a smug face and Rimmel tan.

Anna Wintour was seen being hosed down backstage after accidentally rubbing off her.

Oh, Betsey


Here’s Betsey Johnson showing ALL  the side affects of taking LSD. Have a lie down pet. It doesn’t last long.



Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Anna Wintour snuck in trying to hide the black eye Blue Ivy had given her backstage with a pair of Prada sunglasses. Don’t worry, I see you boo. I’d know Blue Ivy’s work anywhere. Anna was later seen crawling around the place looking for the number of Liza Minelli’s dealer. I’ve a feeling Betsey has it.

Tilda Swinton


Gimme back my FUCKING clothes Tilda.



Oh, I tippex my bag with my initials, wear creepy animal slippers in public and I’m deemed “unfit for work”. Lena does it and “she’s making a statement”. Bastards.

Queen Bey 


The queen arrived wearing a glorious hat that I want to one day marry and have massive hat babies with. Bey was there to collect the fashion icon award and graciously accepted it by slaying everyone that once refused to dress her, which as we all know is beyhive code for KILL BECKY.



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