Cork Plans Its Escape

#BREXIT has thrown the whole world into shock and panic. The biggest outcry however is coming from Cork people who are said to be fucking fuming they didn’t think of this first and are now looking to stage their own, “rebel referendum,” with the hopes of floating off onto their own secluded island, sparking the #CORXIT plan.

 

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Speaking at the #CORXIT rally, chairperson of the “People’s Republic Party,” Michael Collins’ second cousin twice removed, Mick Collins, has proposed the rebel referendum happen sooner rather than later to, “stop these Dublin gowls coming onto rebel soil and calling us culchies!”. Collins stated that, “this move away from the other counties that aren’t Cork can only make us stronger, we already are our own republic shur,​ we have the t-shirts printed since Saipan to prove it​. Now we just need to make it official. Cork’s economy can only get stronger after this boy, nothing can knock the rebel coin down!”

Cork natives have insisted that its founder, Roy Keane, is 100% behind #CORXIT and has apparently agreed to manage the new national Cork team, with Denis Irwin as assistant manager. Meanwhile, ​new minister of rebel defence ​Cillian Murphy has promised more armed forces to monitor the Cork border to, “keep those Carlow cunts out,” by order of the Peaky Blinders. Cork natives all unanimously agreed that Dublin can have Jonathan Rhys Myers.

The people’s republic party has promised natives that the €200 a week they had been donating to support the “Rebels In Dublin” foundation will be used to reopen the infamous Sir Henry’s nightclub, promising at least 12 new jobs and an appearance by Graham Norton’s cousin on opening night​. The party has also promised any money left over will be used to paint the city red, literally.

Polls in Cork have shown that there is expected to be a 1​8​0% rebel turnout, and in conjunction with Dublin’s #fuckoffcork campaign, the results of both referendums are looking to be overwhelmingly positive for Cork. Pending a yes vote, the Irish national anthem will be banned from ​the ​people’s republic and replaced with “God save Roy Keane.”

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