News just in to us at scarlet headquarters: supreme leader in all things scarlet, Enda Kenny, has been rushed to the Royal Victoria Eye and Ear Hospital in Dublin with reports he is suffering from being blind, deaf AND dumb (BDD), after people started asking him about repealing the 8th.
His rambling and constant stupidity over the constitution as laid out in this article is what first got doctors alarmed.
Dr. Scarlet from the Morto Research Institute told us, “the same man who is leader of our country, who made YOKES legal for a day last year, (which was rumored to be on Pat Kenny’s request), is the same man here shiting on about how he can’t repeal the 8th,which both the UN and Vogue Williams have called, “V. ANNOYING.” He then backs up his reasoning by telling blatant lies. Either he is still coming down off the yokes, or he is as thick as shit.”
But it wasn’t long until Dr. Morto saw further signs of BDD. Two women, who live-tweeted their journey to England to seek an abortion, went unnoticed and ignored by Mr.Kenny, despite tweeting AT HIM, and becoming a globally trending topic on social media. At this stage, Dr. Morto feared that Enda was, in fact, legally blind. “There is no other explanation. How the fuck could this clown not see what was going on online, or in the media? I couldn’t look sideways without seeing repeal jumpers, repeal articles..I mean, two women literally tweeted at him enough that they got 27,000 followers in one day!”
Dr. Morto, however, has an idea for how to get his attention: “He loves medals. His twitter reads like a fucking Sky Sports breakdown (as Rob on twitter put it so eloquently below). Maybe if we started some kind of Abortion Olympics, like who can run to England the quickest? He would definitely tweet about that. Only about the winner, though.”
Dr. Morto reveals he knew enda was stage 3 BDD, when this happened:
“Either they use fucking dial-up in the Dail and the video is still loading, or the man is clearly fucking DEAF. Are you trying to tell me he didn’t hear these blatant lies coming out of this “counselors” mouth? If you listen closely enough you can hear her whisper twelve hail mary’s under her breath, as she bates yer one with her rosary beads. Then, there’s a protest the next day with hundreds screaming outside this “women’s health clinic.” Meanwhile, Enda is spotted in Boots pharmacy, scabbing earplugs, while Cora Sherlock kept sketch outside.”
“There was no other option at this stage, we had to bring him into the eye & ear hospital.” Dr. Morto further explains, “he is currently undergoing extensive tests.”
“A severe case of BDD is the best we can hope for at this stage. Either that, or he really is just a useless prick.”
*Update* Tests confirmed Enda is, in fact, just a useless prick.
If you suffer from BDD or know someone else that does, please, apply for a job in the Dail where you will be paid handsomely for doing sweet fuck all.
We reached out to the dail for comment on Enda Kenny’s status, but they just send us back this picture of Sonia O’ Sullivan winning a medal.