First Dates Ireland – A Scarlet Investigation

“First Dates Ireland restaurant shuts down due to outbreak of scarlet fever.” Surely this is how it ends. Everyone in the restaurant dies of scarlet fever and we all fuck off back to watching The Angelus.

Except, I don’t think I ever want it to end. First Dates Ireland is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I don’t know how I physically even typed that sentence without going fully purple and exploding into a scarlet heap. HEAR ME OUT, WILL YA? It’s OBVIOUSLY scarlet, mortifying an entire nation with every second that passes, but I mean if anything is MEANT to be scarlet it’s this absolute pile of glorious shit. A show so incredible, it looks like a load of unicorns on acid running around a field screaming, “PICK ME!”

Here’s a breakdown from all the mort of episode 1.

1: Amy & James

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Amy and James, who were Tamagotchis in a previous life and talk exclusively in emojis, fell HARD for each other.

They had a  SUPER fun amazingly fancy date. Amy’s apparently mad funny but likes to keep it under wraps for fear someone would laugh at her. James talks in CAPS ‘CAUSE HE’S SUPER CHATTY AND ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT EVERYTHING. While his eyes scream, I’M IN A CULT. He’s also a handwriting artist. I feel like I could end the whole thing here and we would all JUST KNOW what happened. Actually, I will.

2: Federica and Lee

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A Shakespearean tragedy for our times. Federica playing a blinder as Lady Macbeth while ol’ Romeo had 911 on hold. The last act had her force feeding him chicken wings and attempting to choke him. Has anyone called Lee to see if he’s still alive?

3: Just Ciara

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I would advise watching this part from behind a blanket. It’s very fucking CRIIIIINGE.  Ciara rocks up absolutely gagging for a night out, only to find out mystery boy has had a “family emergency” and can’t make it. I’ve had a few of those in my time. My grand aunt Sheila died a few times last year. Once on a Monday at 8.50am and once on a Friday when I got into a Netflix vortex and wasn’t arsed going out.

4: Tynan & Simon

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Is it weird if I add Tynan as a Facebook friend? You’re right. Too soon. Whoever sets up the dates on this show deserves a fucking medal. Simon basically describes his dream man as being an exact replica of himself and in walks his twin Tynan. I would suggest getting an actual DNA test but who wants to ruin a good thing?. Simon is basically putting a down payment on the house by the time Tynan tells him he’s a trained masseuse. Put a ring on him QUICK, before I get my hands on him.

5: Daryl & Amy

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Jesus, this one was bleak. This is basically like and ad for how Tinder works in real life.

“Everything is FUCKING GREAT. I don’t know why people diss Tinder, I met a lovely bloke. Banter. Banter. Banter. LOL. Best friends. Absolute bliss……wait, what. Where’s he going? Come back, Daryl……why’s he going to Coppers?” *Puts on Lemonade*WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM??”

This is likely what was going through Amy’s head when Daryl pulled the rug from under all of us. How could you NOT fall in love with Amy? Like, you BOTH love Joe.ie and GAA, do you know how rare that is? DO YOU, DARYL?

Also, is the narrator of this show Tinder’s answer to David Attenborough? Wait, does that make the rest of them animals? Who’s yer man who keeps popping up with Oscar Wilde pearls of wisdom? Does the bar man know he is on telly? How do I get that waitresse’s job, who essentially just has a smoke out the back with contestants? Why does every meal end with an Irish woman trying to explain equality to men?

Wait a fucking Marty Morrissey second here, why is RTE not footing the bill for the meals?

I’ve a lot of research to do before I get to the second episode.

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