It’s hard being Irish sometimes, isn’t it? First Dates Ireland does a great job of proving this theory too.
Here’s our F.D.I – CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION report for episode 2.
Conor & Laura
Conor is a BASKETBALL player from LAOIS. I’ll leave that sink in for a second. Laura decides that the best place for her first EVER date to take place is on RTE. I already love these two. Absolutely zero fucks to give. A point made apparent when Laura can’t even be arsed putting food in her mouth and just throws each bite onto her pants. She finishes off the night by telling Conor he smells like her dead grandad. PLEASE GET MARRIED!
Mark & Gemma
Cupid was having a fucking laugh with these two. Poor ol’ Gemma rocks up all buzzed up, delighted to have a night off from the crosswords: until scarlets arrow hits her straight between the eyes and she realizes she has been on a date with Mark before. You could see the cringe pulsating through her body. Mark seems to be suffering from early onset scarlet dementia and has absolutely no fucking clue they have ever met before. “Did we, where? Was I? Are those my feet? Is that a camera?”. Jesus, STOP, Mark. Gemma did what any sane person would do and turned to wine for comfort.
Mark ended this charade with a powerful plea for equality in Ireland. “Ah, g’way would ya. Leave me pay. I’M A MAN. Real men pay for stuff”. Off you fuck Mark,off you fuck.
Ciara & Ciaran
If anyone’s looking for Ciaran Monday to Friday he’s on the fucking raz, screaming ‘oggy,oggy,oggy, oi,oi,oi’ ’cause HE’S FUCKING MAD UP FOR IT! Saturday to Sunday you can find him down at cheeky Nandos crying into his chicken ’cause no one can live up to his standards.
Ciara, now promoted to a reoccurring role on First Dates does her best to impress Ciaran, but her peri-peri was not hot enough for ol’ Romeo. Goodbye forever Ciaran. See you next week Ciara.
Dawn & Alanah Rose
Who likes Titanic? Dawn does. Who hates kids but only eats off the kids menu? Dawn does. I’m still waiting for someone to convince me that Dawn is a real person and not a figment of Lena Dunham’s imagination. Let’s get a Kickstarter going for Alanah, not sure for what yet but she deserves SOMETHING for going through this.
Corey & Melissa
Sick of walking through glass doors? Been wondering how to get over puddles? Well, never fear cause “old school gent” Corey is here to escort us ladies through life. Which I for one am fucking delighted about ’cause I was sick of knocking on doors, waiting for someone to open them. Did you know that if you know a man they can WALK you over the puddle. There’s me like a fucking idiot up Main Street in my swim suit.
Meanwhile, the staff at the First Dates restaurant continue to have the time of their fucking lives. The waitress scouring for the scarlet lowdown off everyone, while she bums a smoke is my dream job. The bar man continues to try out a new accent every week. I’m still not convinced that he knows he’s on TV.
Nothing can prepare me for the elevator though. I imagine it’s what death row feels like.
*Episode 3 review will be up once episode 5 has aired because I like to be at least 2-3 weeks behind everyone else.
* This actually may never happen as I have the attention span of a fish with ADHD.