Any scarlet scholar will know that Gwyneth Paltrow, “consciously uncoupled” herself from reality right around the time she created Goop. But, what exactly IS Goop and why is it so fucking SCARLEH? We downed a bottle of vodka and went where all good scarlet hunters go, onto the interwebs.
Goop is a lifestyle brand, created by Paltrow in 2008 that aims to empower and enlighten women. It does so by selling women jade eggs to shove up their vagina and promoting, “death detoxes,” which slowly starve you to death on a diet of privilege and room temperature water.
These are actual instructions from the detox section on the website:
“As always, the rules are simple (but tough). Just say no to: alcohol, caffeine, added sugar, gluten, dairy, soy, corn, and nightshades (white, blue, red, and yellow potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant).
It’s simple, you fat fools. Just say NO to food. Also, please, note that this isn’t one of their, “deep, deep detoxes.” That one just involves a gun and one bullet.
If you manage to survive your ‘death detox’ then, please, make your way over to the wellness section you toxic bitch, and stock up on some $90 per month vitamins which are filled with the sweat of gluten-free virgins.
Don’t have any ailments? No problem. Goop will find one for you. They will literally throw the word chronic in front of anything and call it an illness that western doctors are just too dumb to have picked up on. Goopy herself is the only one brave enough to discuss such epidemics as ‘Privilege Fatigue’, where you’re fucking wrecked from figuring out what to do with all your money and it’s causing you ‘Chronic FOMO’. Not to worry, Goop has loads of “cures” you can buy online to ease your symptoms. Such as these beauties:
“A minimalist silk blouse that’s rife with subtle details” (actual description on website)
Oh, you can’t see all the subtle details? It’s probably ’cause you’re blind. Don’t worry, Goop has you covered for that as well.
Just buy these stunners below and suddenly the scarlet will be staring you straight in the face.
AUDACIA HAVANA SUNGLASSES
Thought all your sleepless nights were because you’re stressed off your head about the state of the world and can’t afford rent? Well, it’s not, dumbass, it’s because you’re wearing shoes. Honestly, how are you even still alive?
Now, if you weren’t so riddled with illnesses you could have bought tickets to the Wellness Summit on June 10th where tickets only cost a measly $1,500 (that’s 15 months of vitamins to you). There the groundbreaking treatments included a flower remedy station, where you can smell your way to health, or a sound bath where meditation teacher, Sara Auster, invites you to sink into the sounds of crystal singing bowls, and feel their calming effect at a cellular level. Once you’ve recovered from your crystal scarlet fit you can head over to the wellness talk on ‘How To Have It All & Stop Being Such A Lazy Fuck’ from rich, skinny celebrities with a full staff on standby, including Cameron Diaz and Miranda Kerr. This is an actual quote from Miranda Kerr from the Goop Summit:
“One was on my coccyx because it’s really good to, like, detox the body, rejuvenate the body … I had a leech facial as well. And I kept the leeches. They’re in my koi pond.”
Now, I’m no Dr. Paltrow but I’d say Miranda is suffering from a bout of ‘Chronic Mort’. Terminal, by the looks of it.
If you’re ever feeling ‘Chronic Mort’ symptoms coming on, then, please, read the below breakdown of someone who literally lived through the mort of the Goop Summit for inspiration.
Now, if you’re still confused about what Goop is, not to worry, because Goopy herself hasn’t a fucking bat either.
Here she is giving a scarlet masterclass on Jimmy Kimmel explaining how little she knows about her own website and the brand she makes millions off. Thankfully, Jimmy pulls a full body redner on everyone’s behalf.
Apparently, they’ve yet to find a cure for broken bones on Goop because the interview begins with Dr.Paltrow and her broken foot popping up from behind Jimmy’s couch and jumping over it, in HIGH HEELS, because she can’t walk. No need to explain any of that, Gwyneth. Makes perfect sense.
In true Goopy fashion, Paltrow squirts out some truly sublime one-liners including:
“I don’t send my kids to camp because I actually like them.”
Sending YOUR kids to camp, peasant? You clearly haven’t read Gwyneth’s tips on parenting. It’s not your fault though, nobody knows the hardships of being a millionaire actress parent like Goopy, as she put it so eloquently a few years back:
“I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”
She rounded off her interview with Jimmy by laughing hysterically (a side effect from the vagina steaming I’d imagine) and saying she hasn’t a fucking clue what any of the Goop she sells is. I wouldn’t worry about that, hun. You’re probably just wrecked from empowering women so much to remember what you’re selling them.
In a post-Trump world where Ivanka Trump advertises herself as a “working mother” and a beacon of hope for all women, Goop makes perfect sense. In all its pretentiousness and grim displays of ideas Goop wants to be considered “normal,” it has never really pretended to be anything else.
Gwyneth, essentially, knows exactly what’s she selling. It’s all there in the name.
Goop literally means a sloppy or sticky semifluid matter, typically something unpleasant or of mawkish sentiment.