800 years of oppression. The Famine. Louis Walsh. The 8th Amendment. 50 years of The Late Late Show. Linda Martin. The Catholic Church. So. Much. Mort.

And now we have to deal with Ed Sheeran’s, ‘Galway Girl.’

‘Galway Girl’ is a subtle terrorist attack on Ireland that will slowly wipe us all out from scarlet fever, leaving only those immune to scarlet, alive. This short list includes: Mark McCabe, Twink and Linda Martin. Linda and Twink will eventually die in a punch up outside RTE, while Mark spends the rest of eternity doing a mashup/remix of every ‘Galway Girl’ song, finally settling on the, ‘OGGY, OGGY, OGGY, OI, OI, OI’ version.

We tried to unpack all of the scarlet stereotypes in this song, but it’s likely going to be our life’s work. Our scarlet thesis. It may take years. Here is our first stab at deconstructing the mort. Line by line.

Galway Girl:

[Verse 1]

I met her on Grafton street right outside of the bar – WHAT FUCKING BAR, ED??? There are no bars on Grafton St. I’m beginning to think you’re bullshitting us… From line 1. 

She shared a cigarette with me while her brother played the guitar –Why can’t you afford your own fucking cigarettes, Ed? You’re a millionaire. Ye took our land and now ye want our smokes. Fuck OFF, Ed!

She asked me what does it mean, the Gaelic ink on your arm?- Why would she ask an English man what the Gaelic ink on your arm was? Had you spelled it wrong? Sounds like something you would do, Ed. Are you going to blame Princess Beatrice for that, too? Also, NO ONE says Gaelic. 

Said it was one of my friend’s songs, do you want to drink on? – Did you get one of Taylor’s songs in Irish on your arm? I bet it was ‘Shake It Off.’ Mort. 

She took Jamie as a chaser, Jack for the fun – Are you talking about Jameson and Jack Daniel’s, Ed? Or, are you trying to insinuate your Galway Girl was a slapper? 

She got Arthur on the table with Johnny riding a shotgun – Jesus, was she doing a spit roast IN the bar? 

Chatted some more, one more drink at the bar – There’s ALOT of stereotypes happening here, Edward.  What will she be doing next, playing the fiddle?

Then put Van on the jukebox, got up to dance – Who has a fucking juke box anymore? Are you sure ye weren’t in Eddie Rockets? 

[Chorus]

You know, she played the fiddle in an Irish band – For fuck SAKE. Of course she did. She probably also has red hair and freckles and her father’s a leprechaun. 

But she fell in love with an English man – Did she though? She sounds like she just had one too many.

Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand –Gross. 

Said, “Baby, I just want to dance” – Men NEVER just want to dance, Ed. Unless you’re John Travolta. She might be drunk but she is NOT thick. 

With my pretty little Galway Girl – Galway women did nothing to deserve this musical curse on them. 

You’re my pretty little Galway Girl – “My pretty little,” you just met her about 5 minutes ago, you’re so possessive, Ed. 

[Verse 2]

You know she beat me at darts and then she beat me at pool – Wouldn’t be hard, I’d say. 

And then she kissed me like there was nobody else in the room – Her beer goggles were on, hun. She literally couldn’t see anyone else in the room. 

As last orders were called was when she stood on the stool – She was probably on the stool looking for the nearest exit. And last orders is a mere suggestion.

After dancing to céilidh singing to trad tunes – She must be fucking wrecked, she’s after playing the fiddle, dancing with you, falling in love, playing darts AND pool and now she’s singing trad and dancing again.  What’s up next, a rendition of Ulysses? 

I never heard Carrickfergus ever sung so sweet – Please, don’t ever attempt to sing this song, Ed. We’ve suffered enough. 

Acapella in the bar using her feet for a beat – Is this woman Beyonce? 

Oh, I could have that voice playing on repeat for a week – Are you sure you weren’t just watching Lemonade? 

And in this packed out room swear she was singing to me – Get over yourself, hun. She was singing to Jay Z.

[Chorus]

You know, she played the fiddle in an Irish band – Yes, you’ve already told us. We get it. She’s IRISH. 

But she fell in love with an English man – Was this man Idris Elba? It couldn’t have been you. 

Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand – Did she agree to this? 

Said, “Baby, I just want to dance” – You are known for your slick dance moves, Sheeran, we’ll give you that. 

My pretty little Galway Girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway Girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway Girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway Girl – O.M.G, we get it. She’s yours. You own her. She’s from Galway. FUCKING. HELL. 

[Verse 3] 

And now we’ve outstayed our welcome and it’s closing time – You’ve outstayed your welcome, Ed. Everyone else is having a lock-in. 

I was holding her hand, her hand was holding mine – This is just called HOLDING HANDS. 

Our coats both smell of smoke, whiskey and wine – Did u spill an ashtray on her Ed?

As we fill up our lungs with the cold air of the night – Marlboro Lights, I’d imagine. 

I walked her home then she took me inside – She probably just forgot to close the door. 

To finish some Doritos and another bottle of wine – DORITOS!!! Fucking DORITOS. Was the chipper closed? Why didn’t you buy her a spice bag?! 

I swear I’m gonna put you in a song that I write – Like the morning after wouldn’t have been scarlet enough for her. 

About a Galway Girl and a perfect night – Do you even remember her name? 

[Chorus]

She played the fiddle in an Irish band –  He’s off again proving how Irish she is. 
But she fell in love with an English man – You’re beginning to sound like a despo, Ed. 

Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand –Vom. 

Said, “Baby, I just want to dance” – You 100% lied about that anyway, didn’t you, Ed? Our little Suffolk boy. 

My pretty little Galway Girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway Girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway Girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway Girl – 22 times he says MY. 22. And he can’t even remember her name. 

We await Mundy’s retaliation, “Dublin Bird,” with bated breath.