No, this isn’t a gross headline from the Daily Mail. This is just another ridiculous scene from the STRUGGLE that is ‘The Revenant’. I know what you’re thinking.
“Sure, what in the name of glorious fuck is this cunt on about? Isn’t The Revenant only the greatest single movie ever made!? I haven’t even see it and even I know that! Shur, didn’t Leo almost top himself after he got actor-raped by an actual, real life bear? We haven’t seen heroics like that since Mariah Carey played a human woman in Precious”
“Eh, if you would just calm down there for a second and let me explain myself and the scarlet mess that is The Revenant. Great movie making does not necessarily mean great movie.”
“Here we go, Leo gets raped by a bear and there you are trying to tell me it’s scarlet. Well, I thought you were a FEMINIST? Don’t you lot hate all that rape stuff?”
“Soooo, actually, ummm, I don’t know how to break this to you, but Leo was never actually raped by a bear, or anyone, I hope. Also, the bear is obviously CGI, you gowl. This “rape” story was just another chapter in Leo’s battle for the Oscar, which at this stage is all kinds of Anne Hathaway 2011 mort. Anyway, back to the movie. If you can just give me 5 minutes, I will take you through why this is the most overrated piece of shit, much like last years Foxcatcher, which is still the most boring two hours of my life (and I once watched an entire episode of 2 Broke Girls). So, like, I know what real shit looks like. Right, let’s take a look at the following evidence, a “mortopsy” of The Revenant, if you will.
1: So, let’s be clear about one thing here before Leo uses his Titanic charm to fool you into thinking this story is about Aboriginal people and their struggle. This is a white man’s story about white man’s problems and any mention of Aboriginal culture is told solely through a WHITE MAN’S EYES. I mean, in fairness, he has lovely eyes which is a great distraction from the fact that I would have learned more about Aboriginal people by watching Fair City.
2: Just in case you think the white man can’t survive anymore, he does. Every fucking scene is more ridiculous than the last. He gets stabbed, shot, dragged around the place, buried alive and then falls off A MOUNTAIN, ON A HORSE. Of course the horse dies because he has fallen from a great height but Leo is special and needs his Oscar, so he gets up with all his actor powers and does what any white man would do, AND PULLS THE ORGANS OUT OF THE DEAD HORSE and like a fucking MANIAC, sleeps in it, NAKED. I will never EVER feel scarlet again about doing the walk of shame after seeing a NAKED, grown man, walk out of the open corpse of a DEAD horse. You may think I am being too dramatic and using this line way too much, but please just think about how stupid that is. About 700 other ridiculous things happened to him but I was too busy rooting around the end of the popcorn bag having my own real life struggle to care. (That didn’t end well either, I nearly broke a tooth on a popcorn kernel that I was hoping was a misplaced M & M.) Anyway, the rest of the movie is basically Leo struggling up a hill with snot flowing down his face, looking for chapstick. Oh, he also almost drowns about 24 times as well and survives by clinging onto a pebble for dear life.
3: That bear scene: rumor has it as they were filming this an Oscar had to be placed within Leo’s eyeline at all times for motivation.
4: Everything else:
- The only women in the movie are either raped or murdered.
- Everyone in the cinema wondering if they are deaf when Tom Hardy speaks. I can’t remember the last time I saw Tom Hardy in something where he was audible. Batman: MUMBLE, Peaky blinders: MUMBLE. Kray, mess of a movie: FUCKING MUMBLE. Can someone please get this man a speech therapist?! Christ.
Look- what I’m trying to say is the whole thing is a FUCKING scarlet mess. It’s a self indulgent, vanity project from start to finish. Yes, it looks lovely, but so does a postcard of puppies in a basket. Just stare at that instead for 2 hours and 36 fucking minutes.
This nightmare can officially end on February 28th when Leo finally wins his oscar, that he’s been chasing like a Victoria’s Secret model and we can all pretend this NEVER happened.
“Christ, don’t hold back anyway. As you were on your little period rant there I watched it and I thought it was amazing. How one man can go through all that pain and ….”
“Oh, piss off”