If this is what happens when a Kardashian/Jenner gets woke, then please take another valium and stay the fuck ASLEEP.
If you haven’t already seen this Pepsi ad where white saviour Kendall Jenner saves the world, please be aware of the mort that you’re about to see. A cluster fuck of scarlet is about to enter your head, zapping your brain cells at a rapid-fire speed, killing any hope you had of life existing on this planet beyond tomorrow. BEWARE (BUT DO WATCH):
It will also remind of you of how fucking grim the taste of Pepsi actually is. I woke up in a cold sweat last night after having a nightmare about a time I ordered a Diet Coke in a restaurant and the gowl brought me a DIET PEPSI instead and didn’t say anything until I had taken my first sip, and it was too late. “Sorry, we ran out of Diet Coke.” Cue me jumping over table and scratching her eyes out, screaming, “If you ran out of chicken would you bring me dog shit instead, bitch!?”
There are going to be numerous side effects from watching this ad. For safety reasons, we will list them here, so at least your death won’t be totally unexpected. It will be a sweet release from the scarleptic fit you will be having.
1.) It will begin with subtle eyeballing at about the 2 second mark when you see the only man who has ever sweated playing the cello, ON A ROOF. The mort for him will soon turn to compassion when you realize he should have just jumped off said roof and saved himself a lifetime of cringe flashbacks.
2.) The eyeball rolling will unexpectedly turn to gasping at 34 seconds when you see the moment our lord and saviour, Kendall Jenner finally got woke.
3.) The first bout of mort will set in shortly after when you realize ol’ Kenny has mistaken this block party for a protest, and you can feel a likely fatal eye twitch coming on when you know she will join it. She rips her wig off ’cause she’s now fully WOKE, and she then hands her manky wig to a black woman, ’cause you know, BLACK LIVES MATTER to Kendall. Kendall then rubs off her
white privilege lipstick and changes into her superhero uniform of 90’s denim patchwork and shoves her way through the crowd like the fucking Dr. Martin Luther King that she is.
4.) By this stage, you will be having full body convulsions when you see her rich, white, likely insured arse storm up to the cops with a can of Pepsi, and you get into a panic because you hate anyone having to drink Pepsi willingly… But even more fucked than that revelation, you know what was really happening was the sequel to this:
5.) A full body reddner has now officially overcome you and scarlet fever has taken over your brain, shutting down your organs one micro-mort at a time. You weep for how many lives could have been saved if only people had realized the power of Pepsi.
6.) Your heart rate slowly decreases and a scarlet tsunami washes over you when you realize you would have lived longer if only you had LIVED LOUDER, LIVED BOLDER & LIVED FOR NOW, instead of being a Diet-Coke-drinking, waste of space, broke bitch.
7.) You slowly start coming back to life when you remember there are 84 other Kardashians and things will be ok after all. The KKK got this shit covered. Kris’ Kardashian Klan will save us. Kylie is on the way to Syria as we speak with a bottle of 7up and a bag of Skittles to sort it out. Kris is on route to Ireland with a bottle of TK Orange to Repeal the 8th, and Kim just rocked up to Taylor Swift’s house with a bottle of Coke and a gun. #AllKardashiansMatter
WHITE FEMINISM+CAPITALISM+POLICE STATE = WE. FUCKING. CAN’T.