Wolf Of Scarlet – Oscars 2016 Lowdown

I had images of Leo losing his shit and shooting everyone at the Oscars last night if he didn’t win and get HIS OSCAR! Thank fuck we avoided seeing Morgan Freeman being blown to bits. The fear was legit though, did anyone else see him throw the gun under his chair when his name was called? Easy to miss, he played it very cool. While Winslet did her best crocodile tears in the hopes of getting nominated for ‘Best Friend’ award next year. ‘I’ll never let go Jack,’ just as she paddles off in her boat. Bitch.

Here he is getting his new side kick engraved. How long do you think he queued for that? Also, is that Anne Hathaway in the corner still clinging onto her Oscar?! Give it a rest, Anne.

Do you think Leo will ever not dine out on The Revenant’s struggles? I would say never go full scarlet at award shows Leo, but I’m about 9 months too late.

Anyway, Leo wasn’t even the biggest cringe explosion of the night. No, that honor was left up to human rights activist/Fox news spawn, Stacey Dash. Yes. Her of Clueless “fame”. What is the actual point of her? Stacey Dash looks like the type of person who never laughs but will say ‘that’s really funny’ as she looks you dead in the eye. It was actually worth having Stacey Dash make a show of herself, just so we could witness this glorious reaction from my face twin, Chrissy Teigan.

Giving Stacey a run for her money in the scarlet stakes was the first openly gay man to ever butcher a James Bond song, Mr. Sam Smith. Sam tried to convince us all he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar. Sorry, have you never heard of ELTON FUCKING JOHN?? Not only are you not the first openly gay man to win an Oscar, you’re not even the first openly gay man to win in that category. Sam Smith winning an OSCAR for best song for that absolute fucking mess is the same as Adam Sandler winning ANYTHING. It means NOTHING. It was a prime example of how out of touch those voters are. The actual mortification getting up there after Ga Ga slayed your ass on stage, any openly gay man would have given her the oscar and bowed in her presence. Also, Boy George called, he wants his face back.

Not to be outdone, the ladies absolutely knocked the scarlet out of the park aswell last night.  We had Julianne Moore wearing Coasts latest addition to their 2016 bargain bin collection. I’m going to assume that she is still in character as ‘Still Alice’ and has forgotten where she is.

Who left Kerry Katona in??

Emily Blunt showcasing Ikea’s latest bed linen collection. Smart. Not a lot of celebrities support Swedish designers.

It wasn’t all morto though, Chris Rock allowed us some brief moments of respite by reminding Jada Pinkett Smith how truly irrelevant she is and by being basically the only exciting thing about an excruciatingly predictable show.

His bravery in the face of scarlet (disguised as racism) won’t soon be forgotten. In his own words- “you’re damn right Hollywood’s racist, but you’ve grown accustomed to it. Hollywood is sorority racist. It’s like, ‘we like you Rhonda, but you’re not a Kappa.’ That’s Hollywood.” 

As to why he felt people hadn’t protested the racism of the “White People’s Choice Awards” in previous years, he said “I’m sure there were no black nominees some of those years, say ’62, ’63, and black people didn’t protest. Why? Because we had real things to protest at the time…we were too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won Best Cinematographer! When your grandmother’s swinging from a tree, it’s really hard to care about Best Documentary Foreign Short.” Yes, Chris really cut through all the bullshit- but it wasn’t all dark and dreary.

He also took on the red carpet nonsense saying,“not everything is sexism, not everything is racism. They ask the men [on the red carpet] more because the men are all wearing the same outfits. If George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on and a swan coming out his ass, someone would go, ‘what are you wearing, George?.’”

Speaking of what people were wearing, in all seriousness, how rare is it that the best dressed woman in the room is from Carlow? Saoirse looked like a goddess at what was otherwise a bridesmaids convention.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 28: Actress Saoirse Ronan attends the 88th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 28, 2016 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by George Pimentel/WireImage)

 

 

 

 

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