What a time to be alive!
Top Five Most Scarlet Moments From The 2017 Oscars.
5: Justin Timberlake Trolling Everyone
No better man to kick off the scarlet than JT. He barged into the auditorium like a man possessed, singing his anthem, ‘Can’t Stop The Scarlet.’ And in fairness, he can’t. He not only managed to make the worst song of all time, MORE annoying, he also went on to butcher ‘Lovely Day’ by Bill Withers. Sorry, who the fuck gets to sing a song that isn’t even nominated at The Oscars? JT, of course, who suffers from chronic LOOK AT ME! Syndrome.
Here he is on the red carpet photo bombing his wife Jessica Boring. How many valium a day do you think she’s on to deal with his constant need for attention?
Here he is creeping up on Emma Stone. The man literally cannot walk past a camera without groping it.
You wrote a rip off a Pharrell song from a movie called, TROLLS!
SIT. THE. FUCK. DOWN. YOU. PEST
4: Nicole Kidman Cannot Clap
Are they even hands?? What the fuck are they? What is she doing? Is she auditioning for an ‘Edward Scissor Hands’ sequel? Why is she using the Oscars as a time to learn how to clap? Why the fuck CAN’T she clap? Is she afraid of her fingers? Was she keeping them free for something else? Why is Keith acting like his wife doesn’t have fake, claw hands? I don’t care how big the rings are on your fingers: CLAP LIKE A HUMAN. Also, is your one behind her on an iPad?
This GIF hurts my head.
3: White Creep Wins Award.
Hollywood may like to think they are above Trump world, but Mel Gibson was sitting front row while they handed the Best Actor award to a white man with multiple sexual assault allegations and payoffs in his murky past. So, you know. Pot, Kettle.
Sad Casey was out in full force last night, looking like he was about to put Kleenex out of business at any minute. Casey won the Best Actor for his portrayal of a homeless Joaquin Phoenix in the laugh out loud comedy, ‘Manchester By The Sea.’
The only person who looked sadder than Casey, was Denzel, who had to watch Affleck’s scarlet arse rob him of his Oscar. When Casey thanked Denzel for teaching him how to act, Denzel looked like he was plotting where he would bury Affleck’s body.
Sad Casey then shirked off stage in a scarlet heap while sexual assault activist, Brie Larson (who has given the best performances of her career handing him out awards all year) stood well back.
Likely, from the whiff off his hair. HACK off it.
The scarlet was too much for Chrissy Teigen who literally fell asleep during Casey’s acceptance speech.
2: Scarlet Tidbits
In a bid to keep us all awake until the scarlet climax , the Oscars provided us with constant sources of mort throughout the 48hr broadcast.
The best micro- morts included:
Matt Damon’s chair collapsing mid -show from the weight of Casey’s tears.
Ryan Gosling not being able to hide his scarlet.
Here is pretending not to know Justin Timberlake:
Here he’s asking someone to keep sketch for him, while he does a scarlet legger:
Here he is at his scarlet climax, wondering where it all went wrong:
They also put some picture of a woman in the ‘In Memoriam’ section, who was ALIVE! They followed that up with kicking some bloke off stage as he thanked his dead wife. Morbid pricks.
1: There’s Been A Mistake Guys…
As IF anything else will EVER be a number one scarlet moment for ANYTHING. What a time to be alive to witness this peak scarlet. This moment will be studied for years to come. There are new levels of mort and joy every time you watch it. It simultaneously provides feelings of cringe, joy and horror.
Cringe when Warren Beatty, who is CLEARLY holding the wrong fucking envelope, is seconds away from saying EMMA STONE won Best Picture, when Faye Dunaway takes the scarlet torch out of his hand and runs to the finish line screaming, LA LA LAND! The cringe continues to build when 800 white men storm the stage and thank everyone that has ever lived, while the envelope guy, who had ONE fucking job to do, runs on stage in a scarlet haze trying to rectify this mess.
The cringe becomes almost too much when the realization of what’s happening sets in for everyone. Then a new feeling, JOY, makes it way forward. Joy, that 2017 may be cured after all. Joy, that maybe Hillary is president and Joy, that ‘Moonlight,’ a movie about black people, made by black people, won BEST PICTURE. Joy, that an LGBTQ movie won Best Picture. Joy, that La La Land did NOT win Best Picture. Joy, that we got to watch them win and then NOT win. SO. MUCH. SCARLET. JOY!
The feeling of horror was reserved solely for ‘La La Land’ director, Damien Chazelle, who apparently passed away from scarlet fever earlier today. At least that’s what Warren read.