Trump is doing great, isn’t he? Best ever. Tremendous success. Massive hands. Definitely not mentally ill and Melania looks so in love.
These are what Trump’s team would call alternative facts or what normal, non-psychotic people call TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Alternative facts do work for some things, like resumes and Tinder profiles. Since Trump set foot in the White House I have spruced up my resume with so many alternative facts that I’m now qualified to run the CIA and my Tinder profile is a picture of Blake Lively’s head with Kim Kardashian’s body. (It does prove awkward on dates when I show up instead of Blake, but I counteract the awkwardness with alternative facts like, “What are you on about, you fool?! That is clearly me in the picture!”)
Here’s a non-alternative fact, a thing we like to call an ACTUAL FACT: We’re FUCKED!
We can’t even COMPREHEND the scarlet that is happening, day after day, with that fuckwit in the White House. Executive order after executive order, each one making us cringe even more than the last, showcases again and again just how out of touch
our new leadership, the sitting President, TRUMTLER and his cronies actually are. (We still can’t say his name and “President” in the same sentence without projectile vomiting everywhere. Something we do manage to say on the regular: WE’RE ALL FUUUUUUUCKED.)
The US is rising up though, there are literally MILLIONS of people who disagree with this prick. MILLIONS. Protesting is literally the new brunch. What are you doing on Saturday? Oh, you know. The usual… Just popping down to the airport for the day to scream about racial injustice and welcome people to America. Scarlet Brigade used to spend our weekends in a rolled up haze, trying to find new things to melt cheese on while simultaneously drowning in Netflix and scrolling through our acquaintances’ bridal shower pics….but now we spend most days protesting and wondering what Barack is doing. (FYI, he’s on vacation all, “New life. Who dis?” He gone.)
Obama's on vacation with the hat backwards. He's never coming back. pic.twitter.com/RUakcwwgtT
— Philip Lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) February 1, 2017
We are, like many of you, EXHAUSTED. We are ANGRY as fuck. We are feeling HELPLESS, despite our newfound activism. If we had been living in any sort of bubble, it has officially burst and we are all stumbling around like extras in the Walking Dead wondering when Beyonce is going to come and save us with her Holy Trinity offspring.
Oh, winter is coming, bitches. It’s real cold outside the bubble. The bubble that was graciously earned by the brave souls who came before us. People who fought long and hard for women’s rights, against discrimination, towards a world of equality.
AND NOW. And nowwwwwww. We have to fight those fights ALL. OVER. AGAIN. We didn’t think progress would take THIS many steps back. (Remember when we had scarlet posts about Trumpfuck even being NOMINATED!? Wouldn’t it be dreamy if those jokes didn’t haunt us so deeply? If the scarlet didn’t have to turn into fear?)
Like, seriously. We remember when our biggest concern was fighting for our reproductive rights in a world that was rife with misogyny and that was WITH Barack as POTUS, and normal-sized Toblerones to comfort us. To give us hope. Now we also have to deal with this shit: an orange-faced bag of piss for President. A man who has been accused of rape more times than J.Lo has been married and tweets about Saturday Night Live more than actual politics. We have a government that wants to shut down Planned Parenthood, deport anyone who doesn’t look like them, build a wall around Mexico and basically uses “What would Hitler do?” as their guiding mantra.
Want to do something funny, yet unsettling this weekend? Take a load of MDMA and watch this:
Or pop on the new Bill Burr Netflix special. Filmed in Nashville before the election, old Billy Boy (who we love and hate in equal measure ’cause he’s sexist prick/asshole) basically gives us the creepiest, gypsy-style, fortune-teller glimpse into a future we simply didn’t think possible at the time. Now, instead of laughing it off like the unknowing audience of his Nashville show (“oh yeah, like a dictator would ever get elected in the US”), we have to absorb this horrible reality. We have to admit that when we went to watch Bill the other evening, we were looking to ESCAPE all of the shit. To have a good LOL and call it a day. Take a brain break from politics. From the state of the world. Instead, our new reality was jumping up and down on a stage, haunting us louder than ever: WE’RE ALL FUCKING FUCKED! Watching that actually reminded us a bit of the election “party” we had that slowly unraveled into the most depressing gathering of people known to man. The title of Bill’s special, “Walk Your Way Out” couldn’t have been more apt for that night—and for how we feel about the next steps for our own lives/end of the world. Just gonna Walk Our Way Out, thanks.
But! There is solidarity in being FUCKED. One word we love and embrace is INTERSECTIONALITY. Whether you’re a marginalized young person, a pissed-off, retired hippy, or a Joe Schmoe feeling the fear after suddenly realizing that “Obama Care” and the Affordable Care Act are ACTUALLY THE SAME THING, there is an intersectionality in all of these social, racial, and political issues….
We are literally ALL being fucked over by our own government. And we’ll need to join hands and empower each other to go after collaborative solutions so we can fight back, together. (Join hand and collaborate…And drink alcohol… Lots of alcohol. These four years are not the time for diets and soberness, people. Coping with this shit is gonna take some serious “self-care.” No more hipster lattes! It’s Irish coffees and weed brownies for breakfast from now on.)
UNFORTUNATELY, we do actually get the governments we deserve, and, apparently, we live amongst a bunch of racist, misogynist fucks who were willing to vote against their own self-interest.
NO MATTER. Our empathy slaps us in the face as hard as the scarlet does errrrr day. So, there’s that. I even wanna stand up for the Trumpanzees that SIMPLY DON’T GET IT. Yes, even this dopppppe:
We’re not alone in our scarlet. We’re not alone in our fear. We are actually UNITED in scarlet, in our love of diversity, of the real, progressive American values that have roots in our Constitution and have inspired people for centuries to seek new lives and opportunities here—the land of the free and the home of the brave. Ain’t no Barbie-handed, Tango’d dipshit that can take that from us—no matter how hard he tries.
These kids make it painfully apparent they are infinitely more qualified for office than our current, illiterate, Sally Hansen botch job D-bag POTUS
Despite the fact we’re probably on some hit list of his now, we’ll continue our commentary from behind the orange curtain as this mess of a government coup continues to unfold.
The only wall that’s getting built is around the White House.