BuzzFeed warned me that one day, I would get all the feels.
The fuckers were right.
Today, out of nowhere, I clicked on an article and by the time I had read the last line, I knew my life had changed. I had scarlet tingles from head to toe. By the time I clicked on twitter and saw what awaited me, I was laughing so hard I had piss coming out my nose. And I didn’t care. Even as my co workers looked on in horror, I just shouted MURDER INC. And with those two words, they knew what they had to do.
Twitter. Ja Rule. NOW!
If you don’t know what I’m talking about. Then, please. Sit down, bitch. Be Humble.
Joke. You will never be humble again after reading this. But do sit down. Put on a fur jacket. Grab a cigar, and revel in this thriller about millennial refugees, feral dogs, gunshots, stale cheese sandwiches, Blink 182 and of course, Ja Rule.
Remember where you were when you read these words. FYRE FEST. And welcome to your new life.
Let me set the scene for you:
Fyre Fest was the brainchild of punctual hero, Ja Rule, who pulled off his greatest scam since rapping by promising a load of rich gowls ‘the cultural experience of the decade,’ which patrons later found out was code for ‘PREPARE TO DIE!’ Ja lured them in with the promise of live music, gourmet food, yoga by the beach and Instagram models for breakfast. Instead, he fucked them all into a Coachella where everyone dies, tents go up in flames, luggage is fucked off a random lorry, there’s nowhere to sleep and there’s nothing to comfort you but the not so distant sound of gunshots, and the rustling of feral dogs ready for a little snack. All this and Blink 182 were the headliners. They also paid up to 250k for tickets.
As you probably already know this saga is the gift that will never stop giving.
Here is what festival goers were promised:
Here’s the millennial wasteland they walked into.
To be honest, when I saw these pictures I thought it just looked like an Irish music festival sponsored by Ryanair. It wasn’t until I read the first-hand accounts of the festival that I lost the run of myself.
This reddit thread needs to be turned into a 5 part Netflix series by the morning, starring Dave Chappelle as Ja Rule and Kylie Jenner as the sunburned girlfriend.
Ja Rule, being the hero that he is, then came out scarlet guns a-blazin’ with a statement saying what any great scam artist says. “THIS ISN’T A SCAM.” He then offered an apology that Lance Armstrong himself couldn’t have written basically saying, “IT’S NOT MY FAULT BUT I WILL APOLOGIZE.”
He signed off by saying, “MURDER INC!”
Please go on twitter now and live your new life on #fyrefest island. Where it pays to be poor.
We are truly grateful to be alive today, mostly because this GIF can finally be put to good use. #prayforja
