Scarlet Proof

Things so fucking epic they are certified scarlet proof.


week 5

An Ode To Jon Stewart 

jon, how we love thee, let us count the ways…

your silver fox locks,

your brainy thought box

your cheeky grin, to boot…

not seeing your face will make me want to scoot-

to Canada, Europe, somewhere different, for sure

because america is fucked and you won’t be here to expose the truth anymore

it’s funny to me- i never believed the TV

then your face appeared on daily- happy epiphany!

no bullshit, no lies, no pandering to allies

straight up facts that could give heart attacks

presented with a spin to make anyone grin

from O’Reilly to Palin, Obama and more

you poked fun at them all- you were never a bore.

sometimes i’d cry as you exposed things we can’t deny

other times i’d laugh at stupidity that made me want to die

the common thread here is this:

millenials are toast!

we have no one to turn to, no epic daily show host.

how will we gauge our levels of rage

without you there, to set the stage?

you hero, you wonder king, you delicious hunk of man,

you’re going to be missed more than you will ever understand.

good luck and thank you for all you have done,

but do know it hurts that the news will no longer be any fun.

Fun maybe not, but sexy as hell………….

at least you left us this hunk to drool over, seriously- good luck, jon FAREWELL.

week 4

put this in your ears RIGHT NOW!

right, well, we here at scarlet headquarters love music. it’s one of the only things that can help us get through our most mortifying moments and we wouldn’t be right in the head if it weren’t for some of the tunes we play to block out our scarlet flashbacks. as this is the case, we will be sharing some of our favorite musical finds on scarlet proof (as you’ve seen) and will continue to do so on the regular- mostly because you need some chuuuuuuunes to provide the soundtrack to your scarlet life, right!?! of course we’re right. (we’re always right.)

this week’s scarlet proof selection is dublin’s own, Sample Answer. his new tune “good boy” is making waves and he’s been doing the rounds supporting damien rice this year. remember when damien rice used to date renée zellweger??? remember when renée zellweger had a normal face? no? anyway, that’s all a bit bleak sooooo, back to Sample Answer!

he’s mad cute as well, but i didn’t say that, my mates did. i couldn’t say that cause he is my cousin and i don’t wanna get all woody allen up in here. anyway, this is all a bit awkward now, i’ll leave you to listen his magic below while i get my cringe blanket out. ugh.

check out his sound cloud and you’ll be whistling along to Good Boy in no time and i for real broke my finger rewinding Hold Onto Me. i should probably stop using tapes.

also, check out his dope video for Good Boy and this little gem from his latest music fest:

SERIOUSLY, LISTEN TO HIM!!!!! and let the scarlet brigade know your thoughts on Sample Answer!

(but also know we don’t really give a fuck what you think because he wouldn’t be scarlet proof unless he was fucking epic, so piss off!)

week 3:

i will never be done!

this weeks scarlet proof item is frazey ford. frazey is a vancouver based singer who is currently doing a world tour promoting her rather brilliant album ‘indian ocean’. jesus, i sound like her manager. anyway i cant stop listening to one particular tune off it and it’s this belter of a break up anthem.

first off the video is epic, there’s something so refreshing about how fucking normal it is. but then, its not normal cause frazey is so COOL. it looks like she just filmed this one friday on commercial drive and then ran off to be a boss ass bitch somewhere else.

also the lyrics are great and i should know cause i once won a box of chocolates in school for a poem i wrote, it was about chocolates. i called it ‘forest gump’. it will likely appear in vintage scarlet some day as a treat for you all.

anyway enough about me, go and see frazey play.

she’s playing vancouver folk festival next weekend but its an absolute rip off, so just sit outside on the grass drinking cans. It’s literally the same view. frazey will also be in whelans, dublin on october 9th. if you live in other places you’ll just have to google the dates because i can’t even deal on a friday. now get outside and have a drink. try and keep the morto to a minimum.

week 2

the times, they are a changin’

this has been a momentous few weeks!

bruce is finally herself: caitlyn, gay marriage both in ireland and across the u.s.a. has been legalized, and LGBTQ rights are improving across the board!

sadly, there are still some feckin eejits out there who aren’t entirely happy about all this progress. their little brains must get tired when they have to think from other people’s perspectives, so they can’t fully comprehend what wonderful, moral steps these are, and how each step brings us closer to having a more peaceful planet.

one such eejit recently made a $100,000 donation to the girl scouts. the girl scouts is a great little organization set on empowering young girls and women. their tagline is this bomb-diggity master piece: “girl scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place.” the also make dope cookies that even inspire icecream flavors. #truth

standing true to their mission, when this donor told the girl scouts their money couldn’t be used to support transgender girls in anyway, the girls scouts REJECTED IT. too fuckin right! not only that, they’ve already fundraised MORE than the original donation as the community rallied to support their choice to support EVERY girl. so fuck you, donor dickhead, we’re beyond scarlet for you and your bigotry. #equalitywins!

for that reason, this week, the girl scouts of america are fully #scarletproof!

WEEK 1:

our scarlet proof item for this week is brandon flowers actual face. look at this perfect picture:

I SAID, LOOK AT IT!!! 

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sure how could you ever be scarlet with a face like that. i forgot he even existed for a while. i genuinely thought the killers were bunged up in some mormon church singing for their supper, but no, turns out they released a couple of albums since hot fuzz, but who cares about that.

LOOK AT BRANDON FLOWERS FACE.

also, if you can stop looking at the absolute scarlet proof perfection that is his face, you need to give your ears a workout and listen to his new album “the desired effect.” lads, i am absolutely wrecked from listening to it. the sheer pop perfection of most of the tracks on it is incredible. it’s like the eurythmics, duran duran and pet shop boys by some scientific miracle had a baby together, and it was brandon flowers and his beautiful face. that baby grew up and made this scarlet proof album that has me, at any given moment, singing random lyrics from it (most of which make no sense, but who gives a shit when the lyrics are coming out of his mouth, that rests gently on his beautiful face.) my favorite song is lonely town, mostly because i sing the chorus outside brandon’s window every night. i know you can hear me brandon.

now I’m standing outside your house
and I’m wondering, baby
do you hear the phone when I call?
do you fill the void when I fall?
do you hear the crack when I break?
did you lock the door when it shut?
can you see the knife when it cut?
do you keep your ear to the ground?
for the kid in lonely town (lonely town)

imma need you to unlock that door brandon. ASAP.

this, ladies and gents is your certified scarlet proof item of the week.


2 thoughts on “Scarlet Proof

  1. Laughing my ass off on Dublin Bus reading this. Good work ladies, cheered me right up. Looking forward to next weeks instalment!

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