We have become so overwhelmed with the constant onslaught of scarlet lately that we literally can’t digest it all quick enough. Too much happened last week. It started with The Met Gala on Monday- read our recap here and rapidly descended into a shit show after that.
We were trying to get over the Ed Sheeran’s vocal massacre of ‘Galway Girl’ and then he goes and releases a fucking video for it. We’re still dissecting the mort from Tom Hiddleston’s GQ Magazine Interview and then they hit us with another masterpiece, in the shape of Brad Pitt’s meltdown. In a PARK. We think the Irish government have reached peak scarlet and they go and turn the Dail into a church, with Father Micheál Martin leading the mass on women’s rights.
Fucking nightmare trying to get through it all. We need round the clock staff to keep up with the mort.
Alas, here are your most scarlet moments from last week:
Ed Sheeran’s – Galway Girl
Galway Girls were left devastated Thursday when they realized Ed’s little Galway girl, who he mentioned about 480 times in the song, is, in fact, an Oscar nominated actress from Laois. His web of lies continued to unravel when the video shows him clearly meeting his “Galway” girl in Galway and not on Grafton St as he had first proclaimed. He also went on a criminal rampage in the city while filming, by illegally importing cool American magazine, Rolling Stone, into Galway, a move which The RTE Guide called a “vicious attack on our morals.” He followed that up with promoting drink driving, filming a drunk Saoirse cycling around Galway on a stolen bike, with no helmet. He finished his rampage by setting up a tattoo parlour in a pub and getting into a fight with one of the lads from Love/Hate.
He was also accused of cultural appropriation by having red hair and drinking Guinness.
I don’t wanna be all I TOLD YE SO, but like, I did. I called bullshit on Ed’s Galway Girl escapades back in March .
Here he is staring at a painting of himself last week at his induction into the Scarlet Hall of Fame.
Brad Pitt’s Meltdown
Nobody extracts the scarlet out of their subjects more than GQ, (see Tom Hiddleston masterpiece for more proof). This time it was Brad Pitts turn. They knew it as well, they even titled the interview:
‘BRAD PITT IN AMERCA’S NATIONAL PARKS’.
Sorry, that deserved it’s own line. GQ does NOT fuck around with us. When they gift us with scarlet, they wrap it in a big bow and throw confetti. Or in Brad’s case, they give him a bag of coke and throw him in a park.
In his first interview since his break-up from
Octomom Angelina Jolie, the interviewer seemed to catch him right in the midst of a scarlet fever where he divulged that:
“I get up every morning and I make a fire. When I go to bed, I make a fire, just because — it makes me feel life. I just feel life in this house.” – Jesus, the divorce must have left him broke. Poor lad can’t even afford central heating. You should have just gone to Fyre Fest, mate. Nothing would have given you more life than that fyre.
“I can’t remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn’t boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um — cigarettes, you know, pacifiers.” Ugh, this is the part where Fun Bobby stops drinking.
“I’m making everything. I’m working with clay, plaster, rebar, wood. Just trying to learn the materials. You know, I surprise myself. But it’s a very, very lonely occupation.” – Brad on his lonely ETSY adventures.
“Genuinely, I just felt like Brad was a misnomer, and now I just feel like fucking Brad.” – Finally some clarity, I think we can all agree we have felt like fucking Brad at some stage in our lives.
Brad standing still for The Angelus. Photo Credit: RTE – Angelus, Autumn 2017 Campaign.
“I’ve never heard anyone laugh bigger than an African mother who’s lost nine family members. What is that? I just got R&B for the first time. R&B comes from great pain, but it’s a celebration. To me, it’s embracing what’s left. It’s that African woman being able to laugh much more boisterously than I’ve ever been able to.” I hope he said this as legendary R & B singers Sisqo’s ‘Thong Song’ played in the background. I’d estimate he’s about halfway through the bag of coke at this stage and this is why he’s committed to this truly profound thought.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of Frank Ocean. I find this young man so special. Talk about getting to the raw truth. He’s painfully honest. He’s very, very special. I can’t find a bad one.” – Even though Fun Bobby has stopped drinking, he’s still on the pulse of music. Discovering artists before anyone else has. Here, he brings up little known singer, Frank Ocean.
Actual photo of Brad falling over after realizing he discovered R & B Music
“It’s been a more painful week than normal — just certain things have come up — but I see joy out the window, and I can see the silhouette of palms and an expression on one of my kids’ faces, a parting smile, or finding some, you know, moment of bliss with the clay.” – I think that his coke has been laced with something and he’s having hallucinations. Two valium and throw the fire on hun, you should be grand.
“It was too sad to be here at first, so I went and stayed on a friend’s floor, a little bungalow in Santa Monica.” Brad Pitt staying on a friends floor. In a small bungalow. Jesus wept. Between the no heating and now no bed, you need to have a word with your accountant, mate. I won’t even go to Electric Picnic unless I’m glamping and I’m fucking B.R.O.K.E!
“Until I was out there one morning, 5:30, and this surveillance van pulls up. They don’t know that I’m up behind a wall, and they pull up — and it’s a long story — but it was something more than TMZ, because they got into my friend’s computer. The stuff they can do these days…” What the fuck are you doing behind a wall at 5:30 in the morning?
The cover of Brad’s new autobiography “Frank & An Ocean Of Loneliness “
3: The Irish Government:
Meanwhile, back on home turf, the Irish Government will be calling in sick for the forseeable as they worked overtime last week. On Thursday alone they managed to pack more scarlet in than most do in a lifetime by:
- Making it mandatory to stand for the prayers in the Dail meetings. Anyone caught dossing during the prayers will be made to give confession to Ronan Mullen and get three lashes off a rosary bead.
- After the prayers, morning mass was lead by Fr. Micheál Martin who give a rousing ceremony on women’s rights, stating in an interview his thoughts on abortion after incest/rape. Fr. Micheál, also a professor of all things simple for St. Scarlet’s Institute For Silly Women clarified that women’s issues are in fact not that simple.
Interviewer: “If someone is raped by their father, for example, and becomes pregnant as a result, what’s your view in that case?”
Micheál Martin: “Well it’s not that simple Shane…”
Interviewer: “Well, someone’s either pregnant or not pregnant…”
MM: “They are indeed…”
Interviewer: “…so it’s not that complex?”
MM: “Well it actually is in terms of the… (dithers)… in terms of… (dithers)… are you talking 10 weeks? Are you talking 20 weeks?”
Interviewer: “I’m talking about a father raping his daughter.”
MM: “Well, it’s not that simple. It’s just not that simple.”
- The rounded off their gold star day by ignoring Vera Twomey who was doing a sit in protest outside Leinster House, trying to get a meeting with Health Minister, Simon Harris. Vera Twomey has been fighting since last year to get medical cannabis legalized for her daughter’s rare form of epilepsy. She recently walked over 200km around Ireland in protest for her daughter. She was removed by Gardai from Leinster house and Simon Harris has yet to arrange a meeting with her.
It’s not all doom and mort though because, CELINE IS ALIVE!
We leave you with a moment of pure, unadulterated FEELINGS brought to you by the holder of all feelings, CELINE DION!
In 13 seconds Celine manages to convey more feelings than are humanly possible. She has lived more of a life in 13 seconds than most live, EVER. In 13 seconds she dances through about 87 emotions, crawls around looking for more things to feel, inhabits all the emojis and LITERALLY answers her SHOE like a phone because it is calling her with new feelings to portray.
OMG, Celine needs to marry Brad so he can have an eternal fire of life.