Last week was another historic week in the Scarlet Olympics. Taylor Swift made a sneaky comeback to the scarlet games, and Louis CK came out of nowhere and waved his scarlet torch around, but it was reigning World Champion of Scarlet, Daithi O Se, who went home with the gold again.
Here is your recap of all the scarlet happenings from this very morto week:
Game of Roses:
Our annual trip to dystopia was once again televised on RTE, where leader of the goms, Daithi O Se, resided over which handmaid would win The Lovely Girl competition a.k.a The Rose of Tralee. After all the fine, Lovely Girls completed their first task and landed their time machines safely back in the 1800’s, Daithi put them through a Lovely Girl obstacle course which included swearing allegiance to the GAA, wearing a fine, lovely dress that demonstrated their child-bearing hips, owning a Kerry jersey, and, of course, Irish dancing . This was topped off, of course, with the fact that they were all adorned in the Magdalene Laundries Autumn/ Winter collection.
It wasn’t all craic and coke though, a sniper overlooked the proceedings, ready to take out any Rose who discussed Repeal the 8th or didn’t have a boyfriend. By day two of the games, Daithi looked defeated, but held tight on his mantra of ‘Act the gom and you can’t go wrong’.
Here he is going for a twirl in the Ring of Kerry.
They capped off the horror show with this subtle racism, seen in the video below. As Daithi had finished interrogating another Rose on her quest for loveliness, he cut to Will Leahy to read what was happening on social media. Will, in a bid to out-gom Daithi decided to remind the half-Mexican Rose (who was representing Texas), that Trump wanted to build a wall around her. You know, just incase she had forgotten.
Winter is officially HERE and Daithi is the only one getting out of it alive.
Taylor Swift’s Burn Book
In a shocking turn of events, Taylor Swift released a song to announce her own death and future deaths of everyone on her kill list. My mother said to never speak ill of the dead so I’m not going to talk about how shit the song is. Rumour has it Marnie, from Girls, will be replacing Taylor for all future performances.
Being T Swifts number one target didn’t stop Katy Perry, who came out of witness protection to host the MTV VMA’s, a show that hasn’t been relevant since 1999. Katy was zoomed down from Mars to host the event and well, this happened.
The worlds over pet. We lost. On your bike to Mars again.
Just in case you were in doubt that
Louis CK has been outed as a full-on fucking creeper. We had heard rumours doing the rounds a few years ago that he was likely the high profile comedian locking female comedians in rooms and making them watch him jerk off, but I don’t think our brains could fully comprehend that a noted “feminist” and one of the most influential comedians in the world could do this, and then we remembered that most people are cunts.
Rumours came to surface again a few years ago after this Gawker article came out and comedian Jen Kirkman talked about it on her podcast before quickly deleting it. Roseanne then outrightly named him in an interview as a known perv.
This week, comedian and former friend of Louis CK, Tig Notaro, was the latest to speak out on his sexual- misconduct allegations. In an interview with The Daily Beast she told him to get a fucking grip of himself and stop being an actual knobber.
Obviously, this is 2017, so Louis will be totally fine and will likely be touring stadiums with Bill Cosby next year.
As you were.
Remember though, nothing is ever that grim as long as we have Celine.
Here she is in Montreal living her best life on her search for new emotions to feel.
When asked about her love life, Celine responded in the only appropriate way, by singing a Rihanna song. When one feels as much as Celine it’s impossible not to sing EVERYTHING. Her emotions are singlehandedly keeping the world turning. While Mariah soothes us all with her sheer refusal to move, Celine picks us back up again with her one woman emoji show.
Here she is up a ladder in Paris looking for a fuck to give.