As “fuck you 2016” memes flood Instagram, Facebook statuses reach new levels of narcissistic scarlet, and Snapchat filters teeter on a not-so-blurry line of blatant racism, we, at the Scarlet Brigade find ourselves desperately strapping onto a hitching post waiting to see the calm in the eye of the shit twister that was 2016, à la Helen Hunt, 1996. But if the dude from “Big Love” is our answer, we can honestly say we’re not too optimistic about the upcoming days, weeks, and months. In case you need a reminder, and in no particular order, here are the reasons why 2016 is on our scarlet shit list. Brought to you by the makers of “let’s see what this does this button does” and white dudes reassuring us that, “it’s not that bad, lads.”
“Why is everyone fucking dying?” – Anybody still alive in 2016
Music legends PRINCE. DAVID BOWIE. GEORGE MICHAEL. LEONARD COHEN. Silver screen icons GENE WILDER. ALAN RICKMAN. Author HARPER LEE. Sassy socialite ZSA ZSA GABOR. Endangered species HARAMBE. Disney gator attack victim LANE GRAVES. Sydney amusement park accident victims. REFUGEES who lost their lives at sea attempting to escape the violence and murder plaguing their home states. the “in remembrance” segment at awards shows this year is going to take about 4 hours.
On a side note, how the fuck has Keith Richards survived this year?????
ARE YOU HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH, 2016.
“For fuuuuuuuuuuck sake!!” – Anyone who ever ate a Toblerone
Toblerones will never be the same. BREXIT. KKK-endorsed president elect DONALD TRUMP & CO-CONSPIRATOR / ELECTION HACKER VLADAMIR PUTIN. Philippine President RODRIGO DUTERTE. Abortion laws, the right to choose, women’s rights in general (are we actually GOING BACK IN TIME!?) OHIO. TEXAS. IRELAND. POLAND. RUSSIA. SOUTH AMERICA. KOREA. OH WAIT, THE WHOLE WORLD. Brown water FLINT, MI. All this and my fucking rent went up. cunts.
“Global warming’s a mistake. I’ll prove it. Very bad. I’m smart. Look at Ivanka’s arse.” – Donald Trump
Biological and geological events by definition, overpopulation, lack of access to proper medical care, and human behavioural effects on climate change only exacerbate these issues.
Earthquake CENTRAL ITALY. Tsunami NEW ZEALAND. Hurricane WESTERN ATLANTIC \MATTHEW.” The rise of diseases EBOLA. ZIKA VIRUS. MALARIA.
I’m pretty sure this song also counts as a natural disaster
(UN) NATURAL DISASTERS.
“Fuck 2016!” – Hillary Clinton.
Shootings ORLANDO, FL NIGHTCLUB. CHARLESTON, SC CHURCH. LAFAYETTE, LA MOVIE THEATER. DALLAS, TX POLICE OFFICERS. Shootings CHIRAQ hate crimes U.S. & U.K. Attacks OHIO STATE. BASTILLE DAY. BRUSSELS. ISTANBUL AIRPORT. GERMAN CHRISTMAS MARKET. Humanitarian crises SYRIA (ALEPPO). SUDAN. HOMELESSNESS EVERYWHERE. ISTANBUL NIGHTCLUB TERROR ATTACK.
…AND WE CAN’T CATCH A BREAK. We’re all susceptible to heart break
Silver screen icons and mother & daughter CARRIE FISCHER & DEBBIE REYNOLDS. Two stun huns. Gone. #cantcope
BUBBLING OVER INTO 2017.
“2017 can go fuck itself as well” – Hillary Clinton
Violence. ATTACKS ON WOMEN’S RIGHTS. COMMUNITIES LIKE “CHIRAQ” & DETROIT. GENOCIDE. Climate crisis GLOBAL WARMING. Continued disregard of Native American values and rights DAKOTA ACCESS PIPELINE. Threats to peace RUSSIA. NORTH KOREA. And lest we forget… DONALD FUCKING TRUMP.
Proof that the choices we make today have scarlet consequences.
We leave with the only man we still trust from 2016. John Oliver.
GO FUCK YOURSELF 2016!