Your Weekly Update Of All Things Scarlet.
facebook statuses that make me wanna kill a bitch
“it takes a couple of seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye” (shutupshutupshutpupshutupshutup SHUTUP you dope!)
“life is about falling. living is about getting back up” (please don’t get back up. please stay on the f*cking floor where I don’t have to see you FOREVER)
“life always offers you a second chance. it’s called tomorrow.” (you know who life shouldn’t have offered a second chance to? THIS WANKER)
“our children are the future. give them all the love in your heart and you will be rewarded with a smile” (just because Whitney is dead does not mean you can now plagiarise the f*ck out of her!)
“the laws of the universe has a path laid out for me. this path is never easy but I know it will pay off one day” (…with your death)
“such a good zumba class tonight. i worked so hard i can’t lift my tea right now. but i love it!” (“oh everyone LOOK AT ME I work out and keep fit so well that i injure myself. that’s how amazing i am at keeping fit! are you that amazing at keeping fit? can you lift your tea right now? i’m judging you for sitting at home watching dance moms while i zumba myself into early paralysis”)
“this time last year bob was down on one knee. little did i know i would leave that hotel engaged” (did bob getting down on one knee not give it away? did you just think he’d collapsed or something?)
“holiday shopping oooh excited stay positive peeps don let negative ppl bring u down happy gal x” (the most bi-polar facebook status of all time)
“be careful who you open up to, they might just disappoint you…” (ok oprah, someone’s feeling melodramatic today)
“think my Friends list needz a clearin out. sum ppl on here wan b friends and wudnt evn say hello to ya.” (PLEASE LET ME BE ONE OF THE ONES SHE DELETES!!!!!)
“safe to say finglas people would love to be from town HA #onlysumofus” (no one wants to be from finglas OR town!)
“trying to stop loving someone is like trying to remember someone you never knew” (WHAT???? this is some inception shit right here.)
“where’s the days when you could dry your clothes on the washing line?” (monday – sunday in everyone else’s reality except this guy who lives in a world were washing lines were banned).
“#problemsarepartoflife” (thanks for letting me know. i hadn’t realised until you just posted that on Facebook).
a scarlet performance review
day 20 in the big brother house and i’m fucking scarlet for everyone
when it was revealed earlier this year that big brother uk had been snapped up by tv3 and would be returning to irish television for all of us poor, cheapo peasants with a upc box, i greeted the news with dread. this is because i love big brother and i loathe big brother. i watch it with both eagerness and hatred. since channel 4 axed it and upc customers were unable to get the new channel 5 version (living in a world where even channel 5 is too expensive for ireland – christ!) i have not missed it in my life at all. i actually never even gave it a second thought. but knowing it would just be there, on and available to me is a different story. i knew immediately that the big-brother-free-life i had built for myself would be a thing of the past. i knew that every night would now consist of me staring at 10 simpletons sitting around a house fighting over fucking eggs, actually hating myself because i am absolutely riveted. i fully accepted that this is would be my life.
big brother is worthless trash and a breeding ground for morons – and as such the description written underneath it in tv guides might as well just be aimed directly at me and say “look at this absolute shite explosion on at 10, you know you wanna watch.” scarlet for me but like, we all have flaws.
this year’s big brother has had its ups and downs. mainly downs. i can’t even keep track of the amount of toxic, pointless, IQ-lowering arguments that occurred. yes, there was in fact a fight over eggs. yes, someone let professional simpleton and former winner brian belo back in the house (he quickly disintegrated into an anxiety ridden shell of a human when faced with the utter hostility of this year’s contestants – so much so that after a particularly vitriolic argument, he fucking indiana jones style scaled a wall and flung himself into the arms of the hidden cameramen begging for death). yes, there was a dublin bloke called marc who initially came across like the most detestable prick in existence but soon was like watching beyonce rock glasto when compared with the utter mind numbing boringness of everyone else in there. yes, we had about 10 showmances all hitting different red levels on the cringe-0-meter:
showmance status – bed cuddles
showmance status – “we’re only friends who like touching faces”
showmance status – “i’ve known you an hour and we brushed hands twice YOU CAN NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN EVER, WHYDOYOUHATEME!!!”
showmance status – “i thought I fancied you but then we kissed and it repulsed me”.
showmance status – fucking utterly MORTIFIED for you jade.
showmance status – “i did NOT touch your leg, christian, you twat! i suggestively caress the inner thighs of ALL my friends!!!”
showmance status – taking place entirely in nikki graham’s head.
showmance status – dry humping against a door in full view of everyone
showmance status – toxic waste dump of negative emotions, jealousy and paranoia but sometimes they snuggle so i guess it’s worth it?
so it’s been eventful. i mean, absolutely fucking awful, but eventful.
this thursday will mercifully be the end and I can finally get my life back. 8 contestants remain so let me give you a rundown of who we have left and their glorious personalities.
jack aka pieface
look at the fucking head on him. that dressing gown has been glued onto his back since week 1 and he is in no rush to take it off. it will have to be surgically extracted from his body when the show ends, and i shudder at the thought of what mouldy bits of bread and cheese are living underneath. probably a housefly colony blossoming somewhere under his left armpit. also – do not let the little wry smile that jack is giving in this photo mislead you into thinking this guy is a happy person. he is the grumpiest little shit who ever walked planet earth. always red faced with exasperation and disbelief at his unpopularity. not to mention all that exertion from sitting around on his hole. jack is so desperate to be liked both inside and outside the house that the neediness comes off him in waves. or maybe that’s just his b.o. either way – take a fucking shower jack. outside the show, jack is a manager in mcdonald’s and also suffers from a gambling addiction which apparently do not come hand in hand. his friends all call him pieface – of course they fucking do, it’s perfect. how could you not call him pieface.
nick aka poor little rich boy
nick’s da is a billionaire and so he is not in big brother for the money but instead for “the experience.” i don’t even know what to say to that lads. i’m morto for him that this is the best idea he could come up with. could he not just go inter-railing? unfortunately for nick all the money in his trust fund can’t buy him a working set of balls, so he is constantly trampled over by every single person he comes into contact with. in particular harry – his on/off love interest within the series. harry’s mood swings range from the deranged to the psychotic and nick’s will to live dwindles before our eyes each and every time he has a front row seat to either one of her rage attacks or one of her demonstrative tutorials on passive-aggression as a form of torture. i mean maybe he’s a masochist and the whole waking nightmare they’ve got going on is actually turning him on? other than acting as harry’s own personal punching bag nick’s other special skill is picking his nose and eating it with the wild, unashamed abandon of a man who grew up with so much money and so few friends that no one ever bothered to tell him that it was gross as fuck.
harry aka psycho-killer qu’est-ce que c’est
i mean, where to begin. i do actually feel a bit sorry for her. for a girl who entered the house wearing a latex nurses outfit, giggling like a moron and flashing her tits so much that by her first week i could describe them better than my own, the process of this show has truly broken her. now it’s like watching lady macbeth’s decent into madness. the girl is either legitimately off her fucking biscuit or on the verge of a nervous breakdown. on any given day she is exploding into fury because nick didn’t smile at her or curling into a ball under her manky duvet refusing to speak because nick smiled at her too much. yesterday during a fight with pieface she was screaming “I’M A HYPOCRITE, I’M A CHILD, I’M 6!!!” and cackling manically to herself on the balcony. seriously, love…stop. in real life harry is a dominatrix and good jaysus that must be the scariest sex a person could ever have in their lives. like masturbating using a live grenade as a vibrator.
sam aka #happyspa
sam is one of those people who says “hashtag loving life” completely un-ironically, and constantly. she is just there, all the time, loving fucking life. loving it in a way that is either completely and utterly fake or, if sincere, makes me question her sanity. sam’s only contribution to the house has been to smile a lot and constantly apologise for having to nominate people because “she loves everyone like.” which ya know probably means she is a genuinely nice person, but in this pressure cooker of madness is the equivalent to watching paint dry.
christian aka who?
i guess you can’t be as pretty as christian and also possess any sort of personality. i suppose he did nearly ride jasmine against a door while all the other housemates pretended not to watch so they can just loop that one sequence repeatedly for 2 minutes and use it as his “best bits.”
chloe aka little miss normal
chloe has a mortgage, a car and a boyfriend. she talks about all these 3 things a lot, as if the possession of these holy grail items means she has “made it” as an adult human. eh, sorry chloe, but i’ll think you find “making it” as an adult is when the €1, barely drinkable coffee filter machine in your work canteen is broken and the girl behind the counter has to make you an americano instead but doesn’t charge you the extra €1.50 for it. get back to me when you’re dealing with that level of success.
danny aka white knight syndrome
let’s be real. danny is probably gonna win coz he’s taken it upon himself to be protector of the innocents within the house. as if everyone in there isn’t over the age of 18 and a grown up capable of standing up for themselves. he actually manages to make stepping in to defend people an irritating quality rather than an admirable one, which is some feat. had a bit of a scary showmance with aisleyne that he wasn’t so much a part of as he was dragged into, as she took it upon herself to start sneaking into his bed at night and lying directly on his crotch. he wasn’t exactly pushing her off, mind. danny is a builder or something along those lines which adds to those “regular guy” credentials that he is riding all the way to the final. small problem for danny is that when he loses his temper he tends to reach for the item nearest to him and fuck it at whoever might be standing near by. so far he has flung pizza boxes around the kitchen in a hilariously embarrassing mini tantrum, fucked a glass of water in someone’s face and, in one of the most scarlietizing moments ever witnessed on this show, milled a ham sandwich at marc that he was actually half way through eating. what a dickhead. who wastes a ham sandwich like that while mid chew. he should lose for that alone.
joel aka mr. prime minister
joel is 19 and a member of the british conservative party. in one of the most gloriously misjudged calculations i’ve ever witnessed in my life , he made a shady deal with big brother in which he sacrificed £2,000 of the winner’s prize money for a pizza, thinking he’d be given a dominos family meal deal or some shit. instead, he was given a frozen piece of barely edible, vomity-looking, cheesey shite about the size of a coaster. he then accidentally burned his cheese vomit in the oven. so basically, he paid someone £2,000 to make him look like a fucking eejit. jesus, don’t let this dope become prime minister whatever you do, britain. i’m going as red as his jumper just thinking about it.
these are the gems we’ve been given this year. someone who actually encourages people to call him pieface. someone who burned the tiny frozen pizza he paid two thousand pound for. please let the end be quick and their five minutes in the spotlight afterward even quicker. also remember that i watch this so you don’t have to. so take pity on me, please.
this weeks scarlet update was brought to you by our special guest contributor ‘scarlet in dublin’
madonna – swinging off the scarlet tree since 1984
fuck sake madonna, would you ever sit down and have a cup of tea. you must be wrecked from all the cringe attacks you have had this year. below are four absolute horror shows from the past six months. its kind of impressive to have built up this much morto in such a short time, but she has always been an overachiever in fairness to her.
SCARLET BRIGADE DISCLAIMER: the videos you are about to see contain graphic and disturbing images and should not be watched alone. it is advised to watch in a dark room, with the volume on low and please remember they can never be unseen.
1. started from the bottom lip
here she is trying to suck the youth out of drake. apparently she did a right number on him, he looks like he swallowed a fucking moth. drake has not been seen in public since and is believed to be shacked up in a madonna proof location recording his new album ‘riddled’.
2. will someone take the valium away from her NOW!
i imagine this will be the opening clip of her vh1 ‘where are they now’ special in a few years. apparently madge thinks she is a closeted comedian and jimmy is so far up her ass he only went and opened the closet door. BIG MISTAKE JIMMY BOY. HUGE. i would have given my nokia 3310 away to see just one of the poor unsuspecting members of the audience during this onslaught. i imagine they looked alot like this poor sod.
run dmc just emailed me there aswell madge, they want all their shit back.like yesterday.
3. THE fall
sorry will this ever not be funny?! five months on and every time is like the first time. i normally don’t think people falling is funny (usually because it’s me) but this KILLS me every time, mostly because its the only good thing about this truly horrific performance. it sounds like geri haliwell doing a duet with her cat. ugh, my ears are still ringing. lets all have a moment of silence for the now unemployed dancer who tripped her up.
4. bitch, i’m scarlet
i’ve saved the best for last, madge’s latest cringe onslaught is ‘bitch i’m madonna’. i’ve given you two options to watch, the first video is without the real music and its genius (created by the amazing house of halo). its what i suspect madonna actually sounds like without auto tuning and its now my go to video for life reassurance. it consists primarily of ol madge running around the place shitfaced, molesting young fellas and screaming repeatedly “bitch, i’m madonna”. one of the other people who seem to think their also madonna is chris rock and if you look closely in the video you can see him mouth “i thought this was a fundraiser for madonna”. it’s more of an awareness video than anything chris but absolutely fair play for turning up and confusing the poor woman even more. rita ‘just call me rihanna’ ora is there aswell trying to claim that SHE is in fact madonna. jesus make up your fucking mind rita. never one to miss an opportunity to worm his scarlet head in is yeesuz himself, kanye, he seems to have filmed something from the back of whatever closet kris jenner has him locked in and demanded it to be included in this mess. to be honest i wish the video had ended with kanye convincing madonna that HE is in fact madonna and then she loses her marbles completely. the second video is the official full four minute song and its even more terrifying than you would expect.
one time my mates mother was really shitfaced at a wedding and started singing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ while grinding up against the best man, whom i’m pretty sure was her actual blood nephew. anyway, i hope she has watched this video now so she feels less scarlet about her own life.
if you, or anyone you know has been affected by these or any of madonna’s videos please call us on 1800- morto-4-madonna
things that are good in boxes:
- more wine
things that are not good in boxes:
it’s the 21st century and i spend a majority of my working days trapped inside a scarlet bunker, in a temperature controlled room, in a building so depressing that sometimes when i leave work there are people weeping outside holding a coffin because they have mistaken it for a graveyard. #scarletforthedeadperson. the only redeeming factor of this godforsaken place it that it’s somehow “ecofriendly.” (the ecofriendliness also means we cannot open the windows, and thus basically suffocate on recycled air- so fresh and so green, green!).
for some reason, “working” these days means being trapped in little cubicles and pretending to be productive by g-chatting fellow cube prisoners and looking very concerned and serious when doing the latest buzzfeed quiz while surrounded by people who are doing the exact same fucking thing. it’s actually a farm for scarlet people.
(side note any seasoned cube worker should know the old alt – tab toggle trick. i suspect i already have full blown arthritis in my fingers from using it. please see below, actual re-enactment of my fingers at work by superstar actor ewan mcgregor.)
the arbitrary hours that i HAVE to be in my box are ridiculous. i mean, a majority of the things i do when i’m working could a) be done by a robot b) from almost anywhere in the world thanks to interwebs. BUT! instead of taking full advantage of the flexibility that technologies provide, we are instead made to feel that we cannot possibly be productive outside of the cube farm environment. i mean, happily sitting in the sunshine while working or working from the comfort of my own home in my pj’s would make me SO unproductive, right? much better to be an unhappy drone tip-tap-typing about how much i hate to be pretending to work all day. i have been pretending to work on the same word document for the past two years, lads- it’s getting exhausting.
basically, it’s all a farce. now, this is not to say i don’t actually work, because sometimes i do. but i do my best, most creative, productive work when i am out of this ecofriendly graveyard. if only they knew that they could get more, higher quality work out of me if they let me do it from wherever suited me best, and whenever suited me best. i bet for sure i would live longer too. longer life=more work life=more $, right? i mean, if this is about getting the best bang for your buck, corporate america, well, you ain’t doing it right. #preachsister
cube farms are usually infected with bullshitty office politics and too many batshit people who think they’re friends but whose only real connection is that they are trapped in the same place for a certain number of hours every week. i’m scarlet for my colleagues who think we’re besties, like actually morto, but i understand their confusion. i spend more time with them every week than i do with my best friends, my family and even my partner.
we will have other scarlet updates on things that make people cringe in the office (argument over a chair, anyone? memo about coffee filters? yes, please send me another meeting request for a meeting about another fucking meeting!) and this is just the tip of the iceberg. i’m scarlet for all cube dwellers, myself and the rest of the scarlet brigade included. #weshallovercome
photo of actual cube cry- the hysterical cry of someone who is about to be committed- a baffled, befuddled, i-was-laughing-i-think-now-i’m-crying, cry.
for the week that’s in it: let freedom ring!
scarlet alert- irish people infect vancouver with scarlet fever in rte’s new “reality” show exiles- vancouver
the absolute scarletness of this lot cannot be underestimated. i don’t even know where to start lads. so let’s get one thing out of the way now: i live in vancouver, so I couldn’t wait to catch a glimpse of these actual knob jockeys running around the streets pretending to look for work. nobody prepared me for the actual mortification parade that would ensue though. i know, i know, sure what was i expecting? they all arrived off the scarlet bus and landed into a $6 million gaff before the “struggle” began. the show started with a double episode, so a full 50 minutes of cringefest awaited me. i’ll have to break it down by humanoid because there is so much scarlet to discuss.
fella on the left: legit didn’t even see his bouncer face on the show. WHO EVEN ARE YOU??? i think he’s the camera man to be fair, and i think I like him the best. his personality really stood out.
yer one beside him, nicola: as you can see by the fake tan parade she is indeed an irish “model.” basically, she sells apples on grafton street and absolutely fair play to her, i couldn’t hack the crowds there. i think she muttered like four words the entire show which I think were, “d’ya want an apple?” turns out that, no, nobody wanted an apple from nicola. she then fucked off with her apples and sulked for the next 48 minutes. she was also on another show called, “made in chelsea,” which is what the tag on the back of her neck says, and because she is a massive superstar, rte hired some yoke over here to say he was going to do a piece on her for some magazine that nobody has ever heard of. she is a MASSIVE DEAL.
gok wan himself, sean: sure isn’t he only lovely with his eyebrows. superstar stylist sean comes to the “fashion hub of the world,” vancouver, to be a world-famous stylist. if only he would have done a quick google search, he would have been scarlet to find that vancouver is about as fashion forward as roscommon in 1973. rte sets sean up with some very serious and important stylist lady who sets him straight on the absolute scarletness of his resume. in typical irish fashion sean completely bullshits about what he has done in ireland to get a better job and hopes to god that his accent and eyebrows will confuse her. it didn’t, and sean was quickly brought down to earth by the very important stylist person who informed him that, in fact, his catalog was shit and she wouldn’t give him a job cleaning her toilet. but like all reality show miracles, of course she gives him a shot. she tasks poor sean with the impossible deadline of seven days to buy a few rags to drape on some model for a fake photo shoot. would sean make it to topshop in time? how the fuck was sean affording all these clothes? will zayn ever reconcile with louis? turns out nobody gives a shit.
yer one in the middle, india dawson: with a name like that she was was always going to be from california, south dublin. india landed in vancouver laden with feather earnings trying to become an indie folk singer. again someone needs to introduce these poor struggling artists to google because she could have saved herself from a lifetime of scarlet fever if she had just done a quick search on vancouver’s folk music scene. rte, being the keen talent developers they are, did not show one bar of her singing. it was probably for the best, it would have been scarlet overload. 100% think i saw her busking outside 7/11 one night. living the dream in vancouver. good woman, india.
sure look who it is beside her, only gorgeous george from derry: sure isn’t he only delighted to be there, big smiley head on him. hup ya boyo! so george pavarotti himself landed in vancouver to make it big as an opera singer. in fairness he is the only one of the them who looks and acts like he hasn’t just come straight outta the wax museum. george and his GAA jersey weren’t long getting their big break though, playing the coveted venue of the fanclub (basically a smaller version of flannery’s in dublin). after the hysteria of his housemates in the audience had died down, didn’t ol george himself nearly have a scarlet breakdown from all the emotions he was feeling. i feel your pain georgie boy.
next up is the camera wizard herself, jade “i’m-from-wexford-if-wexford-was-in-sandymount,” stone: jade came to vancouver to be a photographer because as we all well know the recession hit photographers the hardest in ireland. jade arrived armed with her vintage camera and fair fucks to her i say, sure wasn’t she looking all photographer-like, taking pictures of nicola on the beach trying to sell apples. i look forward to her controversial coffee table book “nicola on the beach.”
last but not least, the scarlet king himself, dylan “namaste” townsend: never has a man walked this earth more scarlet than dylan other than maybe stuart for knowing him. he is a constant evolving source of mortification. when he is not trying to find himself on his yoga mat, he is working on many of his upcoming imaginary projects such as “hipsterverse,” a groundbreaking new show on a little known subculture called hipsters. doesn’t ol’ scarlet balls himself know that hipsters don’t know they are hipsters, therefore will never identify themselves as hipsters? dylan makes a scarlet mess of himself trying to ask some poor fucker in a coffee shop what london fog is, then wonders why complete strangers aren’t being nice to him. he seems to forget he is being followed by a film crew and sticking a camera in people’s faces. easy mistake to make for the scarlet king, he’s not used to the mean streets of vancouver. later dylan informs us all that he basically only eats grass and loves poetry. in case we didn’t believe him he then recites some nonsense but forgets the words, by which time i have dug a hole in the couch and crawled into it. a little scarlet bunker for myself. ah, yes, lovely.
i look forward to rte’s new cubicle based reality show “admin assistants abroad.”
there you have it lads, that’s your scarlet alert for this week and remember, never go full scarlet.