We here at Scarlet Brigade love people. Well, sometimes we do. Sometimes we laugh at them, but mostly we laugh with them, and we welcome the scarletness of their lives right into our very own on a daily basis. Because we’re generous like that.
Sometimes though, people get it right. They take scarletness to a whole new level and flip it on its head. We call this the ZERO FUCKS PRINCIPLE. It’s very simple really- it’s when someone had a fuck to give earlier, but now they simply don’t. Like not one. Single. Fuck. Now that we have cleared that up, let’s talk about people who really don’t give a fuck: HIPSTERS. They will continue to not give a fuck until it’s not cool anymore then I suspect they will implode and die while eating guitar flavoured ice cream.
Anyway, I digress. I want to tell you of a recent incident where the ZERO FUCKS PRINCIPLE got out of hand. it was like the Scarlet Brigade met the ZERO FUCKS BRIGADE and didn’t know what to do. Here’s the scoop, the low-down, the 6.1 news if you will:
Scarlet crime scene: 11am – posh office conference room with windows for walls in a very trendy part of town. One of the city’s best restaurants is at the bottom of the multi-use building we’re in, and there are about 18 other businesses that all wave the “we’re too cool to give a fuck” flag on other floors. The conference room is cool and chic. Swanky chairs. Oversized, handmade, wooden table. All of the technology. ALL OF IT. Which makes what happened next even more ridiculous.
Meeting topic: Deciding creative campaign for a new client of advertising agency. The client goal is to encourage people to drive safely.
Players: Elite creative folk filling the swank seats. 2 hipster humanoids +1 dog (Yes, a dog. I. Can’t. Even.) Presenting to a group of 7 others. cozy, creative, madmen-esque vibe. Except without Don Draper and all the booze.
#1-male, mid thirties. Let’s call him Kale. He’s wearing jeans (one leg rolled up to show he cycled to meeting- i reject urge to throw recycling bin at him) and simple white tee-shirt with a v-neck so deep I started feeling sorry for his bare chest. Bitch doesn’t deserve that. Hemp necklace probably made from Burning Man remains and Calvin Klein black-rimmed glasses. Holds mason jar full of coffee ’cause Kale is just SO environmentally friendly. He has laptop which leads me to think he will lead presentation. I think of ways to feign death but decide I may actually die for real during this, so I put my trust in the universe to do its business.
#2- Female, also mid thirties. green tee-shirt and yoga pants cause she likes to dress up for meetings. Let’s call her Quinoa. Gauges in her ears. Simple glasses. Dog at her feet. Leash for dog wrapped around her ankle like a lunatic. Toe ring and chaco sandals. Will provide support and distraction via….
#3- Dog– black lab mix. snoozin’. Sniffin’. Doggin’ it up. Let’s call him Denis. He’s friendly with everyone and a total distraction to the fact that Quinoa and Kale likely put this presentation together in under 12 seconds. Actually, I love the dog. “Who’s the cutest dog in the whole wide world?! who is? you?”
What are they even talking about!?! GAH! Their evil plans to distract me have worked. Wait, are these guys like winning at life right now??? What’s happening? Oh, look, the dog! Here boy!
Presentation: After the inevitable debacle of “how do we hook up my laptop to the same exact hookup all monitors have” was resolved, their presentation pops up. It is barely a Powerpoint. The first slide is a word document with one paragraph at the top. Black on white, times new roman cause they like to keep shit retro. Kale reads the paragraph. OUT.LOUD. Like it’s storytime. Christ. I have flashbacks to 4th grade reading class. Does he not know we can all read? He is deadly serious and does not look up from the laptop. We are all squinting to see paragraph, trying, no, HOPING it’ll be one of those 3-D art things when you look at it just so with genius idea that will improve the project. To no avail. They want to have a character called “DR RHODES” who goes, WITH HIS STETHOSCOPE, AND HIS FUCKING LAB COAT out to roads and survey them for potholes, etc. Sorry, the only person who needs to see a doctor here is you, hun.
Anyway, their “presentation” looks something like this:
The second slide is literally screen shots of some of the thoughts from the word paragraph. It’s like they took still frames of Youtube videos that they thought were similar to their random, rambling thoughts about this “Doctor Rhodes” character. Stuff like this:
At this stage I’m looking around the room wondering if anyone else thinks this is SCARLET. No one says anything to indicate that maybe this presentation is a bit too vintage for our liking. A bit too shit. A bit too, NOTHING. like, do people know they getting paid for this shit? Oh look, the dog is nuzzling into my manger’s feet. Here boy! No one is giving any fucks. Zero. Even the dog is like ‘imma be over here if anyone needs me.’ Quinoa talks about how we could have the “doctor” drive around the place with people who were having road rage and diagnose them, as well as the bumps in the road. It is a funny idea, but it sorta misses the whole point- it also was written in times new roman and insultingly read aloud to us.
The third slide is the start of their next idea. It is another paragraph in times new roman, word document style. They might as well have used comic sans just for the actual fucking lol of it all. You have to give it to them, still zero fucks being given. I actually start to like them. Quinoa starts talking about how this will be about kids. They’re going to try interviewing kids about the state of the roads. have kids go survey the roads and patch them up with glitter and glue. This is a great public service announcement. Really makes sense.
Fourth slide, as per the system now, is more screen shots of kids in commercials to back up their 2nd idea. I know they worked REALLY hard on this because when I typed “kids in commercials” into Youtube just now and this popped up:
This was basically the first result and also (OF COURSE) the example they used. Yhey don’t even pretend a little bit to give a shit. I am so confused about my love/hate relationship with them. They’re like ‘The Bachelor’ to me. I know it’s wrong to watch, but I just can’t stop.
At this stage in the “presentation” Kale is literally holding his head in one hand, and drifting off. He knows the presentation is lamer than a night out with Anne Hathaway, yet gives precisely zero fucks. He doesn’t even try to care. I think I for real love him. The dog has now started snoring and has somehow managed to make everyone else think it’s time to give zero fucks too- just embrace whatever was typed out and read to us.
It’s all good because I’ve figured it out:
We’re all just playing a quick game of emperor’s new clothes with the ZERO FUCKS BRIGADE and they’ve WON. They’ve fucking WON because you know what- we’re presenting both ideas to the client as “they’re too good to choose just one!”
Well done you crazy fucking hipsters. You’ve duped us all. You were borderline scarlet and turned it up a notch and now we’re cutting you a fat cheque and peddling your ideas as though they’re gold. You’re probably at home right now munching your homemade granola, thinking about how to do the next “presentation” remotely, from Bermuda.
Not all heroes wear capes guys.