The Late Late Toy Show: where Irish kids get to show off all the toys some kid in a sweatshop in India made, while Ryan Tubridy, Ireland’s woeful answer to the late night TV likes of Conan O’ Brien, does bumps off the lego table and jumps around like an absolute fucking cunt. It’s the premier league of scarlet and Ryan is Ronaldo. If you didn’t watch The Late Late Toy Show, you need to take a serious look at what you spend your time doing.
Here are just some of the glorious beams of scarlet from the night.
1: Martin King Plots Revenge
EVELYYYYYYYYYYYYYN CUSACK. Not Joan, not John, EVELYN ‘WEATHERWOMAN’ CUSACK is Johnny’s hero. So much so that he made a board game about her. Evelyn comes to give ol’ Johnny a big sloppy wet one, but he and the fucking bowl on his head are more interested in how she got to the studio. Christ, Johnny has absolutely no chill (weather pun intended). I’m still not fully convinced Johnny isn’t Evelyn’s kid. This is the only way this would make sense. Do you think Evelyn is ever NOT going to talk about this moment?
2: Irish Child Raps In 17 Different Languages
Am I the only one who could not understand a fucking word of what Fionn was rapping? I was thinking for a second oh, lovely, he’s fluent in Hebrew. Nope. I’ve checked with the research team at RTE and they can 80% confirm Fionn was rapping in English. Ryan follows up this rap master-class by asking poor Fionn to, “show us silly boys what a real dirty welly looks like,” that’s one letter away from being Saville territory Ryan, ONE letter.
3: Ryan Pleads With Woman To Give Birth Live On Air
The wall to wall scarlet continued with Ryan begging this pregnant woman to, “HAVE IT NOW, HAVE IT NOW,” the audience on a cocktail of pills clap along like they’re at a Scientology convention and Ryan is Tom Cruise. There must have been some serious mort come downs around RTE on Saturday morning.
Other micro morts you might have missed were:
- Ryan flirting with David Williams
- Some kid dressed in a money suit and NOBODY acknowledging it
- Tubs auditioning for a part in Hugh Jackman’s life story by doing a woeful song and dance number that looked like Pat Kenny choreographed it
- A girl on a bike cycling in a Dublin jersey shouting what very much sounded like “UP THE RA”
- And my favourite part of the whole night was when a kid fell on top of Ryan, in what I can only imagine was a planned assassination attempt on him, on behalf of children everywhere.