5: White people being dumb as fuck.
I’m surprised Pharrell didn’t drop to the floor and have a cringe attack after this. This is a video of Jenna Bush confusing the movie Fences with Hidden Figures, two of the biggest movies of the year starring black actors. Just in case Pharrell didn’t hear her, Jenna proceeded to say it another 420 times while also groping his shoulder and asking him if he drinks. Really though, can we even blame Jenna? She does come from a famously clever family. This is her father:
Then Michael Keaton does the exact same thing while he is presenting an award also calling the movie, ‘Hidden Fences.’ First of all, HIDDEN FENCES sounds like a fucking grim Irish horror movie starring some farmers tying to find their fences in a storm, only to trip over them and get electrocuted because they couldn’t see the HIDDEN FENCES.
NO ONE wants see Hidden Fences! Stop trying to make it happen.
4: Sad Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck is essentially a walking sad meme. He can’t help it. He suffers from chronic resting sad face. I’d put money on it that his ringtone is Everybody Hurts. Here he is presenting an award, but it doesn’t take him long until he starts thinking of something sad, like what the Rotten Tomatoes score is for his latest film. It’s 32% Ben, 32. I wish they cut to him when his brother Casey won an award. He was probably reaching for the knife at that stage. Ironically, if I ever feel sad, nothing cheers me up more than this sad Ben video.
3: Jimmy Fallon.
The moment the teleprompter stopped working and Jimmy Fallon started looking like a young fella who got lost in a shopping centre is when someone should have just cut to John Travolta’s face and left the camera sit there all the night. There is no better monologue on this planet than Travolta’s face. His eyebrows alone can tell 100 stories. Lord Scarlet, however, had other plans for us, and we were forced to endure peak Jimmy Fallon scarlet for the remainder of the night. Mixed with whatever he had taken back stage and we were left with this….
Now imagine you could have just been watching this instead.
He continued on his scarlet rollercoaster by doing an horrendous impression of Chris Rock and making Trump jokes so bad that Trump himself was too scarlet to even tweet about them. Jimmy must have thought we all forgot the time Trump was on his show and it played out like a first date, with Jimmy boy smelling Trumps hair and trying to get the leg over. Gimp.
2: Sad Casey Affleck
Like his brother Ben, Casey also suffers from the Affleck family curse of resting sad face. When Ben stares into the void he just sees Casey staring back at him. Their surname should really be Abyss and not Affleck. I imagine them at family dinners all bawling, just singing …..Hello, Darkness My Old Friend.
Anyway, back to sad Casey, whether he’s in a movie, promoting one or collecting an award, he just can’t hide the fucking effort of it all. In fairness, my heart does go out to him, he must be wrecked from all of the sexual assault lawsuits made against him (World in shock as white man in Hollywood gets away with being a creep) or reading reviews about himself on stage or not washing for days or foraging for food in that forest he calls a beard or trying to out-sad Ben. Fresh off auditioning for the role of all 12 apostles, he then had to go and collect an award for saddest man in a movie while Brie Larson, a sexual assault activist, handed him the award through gritted teeth.
All I’m trying to say is I’m scarlet for anyone last night who didn’t talk about how bad the Affleck’s have it. Meryl’s up there blabbing away about Trump and immigrants, while she has two of the saddest men in the world staring up at her. What about the fucking Affleck’s, Meryl? Would it have killed her to be a little more empathetic and understanding toward the rich, white men of Hollywood?
What has Casey Affleck gotta do to catch a break in this town?
1: Tom Hiddleston confirming that he is, in fact, our new scarlet leader.
Tom is method scarlet. He’s the best we’ve got. There are no levels he won’t go to, to find new levels of scarlet within himself. He started off by just by dancing manically around the internet in his bid to find out how to be desperate, followed by just randomly shouting Shakespeare quotes wherever he went to remind people he was privately educated in scarlet. His masterpiece followed with Hiddleswift last year, where he acted like an absolute loser for 3 months in an attempt to overshadow the thirstiest woman alive, Taylor Swift. His plan worked and her next album is expected to be called, “An Ode to Scarlet.”
While we thought he didn’t have an ounce of scarlet left in him after the Hiddleswift horrorshow, Tom showed us again that he’s in this for the long haul. After winning Best Arse for his role in ‘The Scarlet Manager’, ol’ Tommy went on to describe how he basically saved Sudan with his arse acting.
Fair warning to anyone about to watch the last minute of this video, there are a lot of scarlet triggers about to be unleashed, so be ready for a full-body reddner to overtake you.
Christian Slater’s response to the Hiddleston scarlet last night basically sums it up. Below, you can see Slater’s left eye is trying to communicate to his right eye that it needs to stay open, to see the new levels of mort that are happening in real time. While his hand is getting ready to cover his mouth in case a gasp comes out, in response to the scarlet masterpiece he is seeing unfold.
Honorary runners-up: Ruth Negga’s “Don’t do it,” horror face when Meryl Streep almost said she was raised in England and not Ireland:
Nicole Kidman looking like she’s auditioning for the role of Jon Benet Ramsey.