classic bits of scarlet from the vintage files.
we read the cringe so you don’t have to
in honour of the release of ‘grey’, the hotly anticipated follow up to the scarlet bible that is ‘fifty shades of grey’, our guest contributor this week scarlet in dublin put together her top 23 cringe moments from the literary masterpiece of our times.
23 vintage quotes from fifty shades of scarlet
- “her voice is warm and husky, like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something.”
or something. OR SOMETHING. this actually KILLS me dead from laughing.
- “and from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes to the thought: “he’s here to see you””.
what the actual f*ck is this sentence?
- “i feel the colour in my cheeks rising again. i must be the colour of ‘the communist manifesto’”.
this is a completely logically metaphor. i always think of communism when i’m embarrassed.
- “his lips part, like he’s taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. for a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position.”
was she purposely trying to come up with the most convoluted, bullshit metaphors possible? is this a comedy novel or am i on mushrooms?
- “he smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.”
silly woman. with her hormones. and her period. and her emotions. and her irrational behaviour. quiver. quiver. quiver. i’m a tiny little woman. be more stereotypically ridiculous novel – I DARE you!
- “i can almost hear his sphinx like smile through the phone.”
you mean you can almost SEE it. you can’t hear it, so shut up. scarlet bitch.
- “holy crap. he’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips.”
holy crap! he’s wearing clothes! clothes are amazing! I LOVE CLOTHES!!!
- “his tone is so…so directorial. his usual control freak. i imagine him as an old time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned mega phone and a riding crop. the image makes me laugh out loud.”
you know what makes me laugh out loud? THIS is one of the biggest selling novels of all time. THIS!
- “the orange juice tastes divine. it’s thirst quenching and refreshing.”
sign me up for this orange juice shit. sounds like it’s gonna blow my mind.
- “oh my…sweat and body wash and christian. it’s a heady cocktail – so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.”
WHAT IS THIS SHIT? *pulls brain out*
- “i flush at the awkwardness of my subconscious – she’s doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.”
yes, yes she constantly refers to her subconscious like it is a different person throughout the novel. yes it is as excruciatingly annoying as it sounds coz her subconscious is really fu*cking irritating and always seems to be doing some kind of dance.
- “my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”
see what i mean!!! f*cking dancing. AGAIN. her subconscious/inner goddess (and what the f*ck is THAT about) could be a contestant on strictly come dancing. also has she ever even SEEN a samba? gentle? it is full of high speed body rolls and crotch grinding. what she is actually talking about?
- “i had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. my inner goddess is doing a meringue with some salsa moves.”
SOMEONE BREAK HER INNER GODDESSES LEGS RIGHT NOW SO THAT IT WILL STOP F*CKING DANCING!!!!
- “i eye christian’s toothbrush. it would be like having him in my mouth…hmmm.
f*cking EWWWW. get some perspective on personal hygiene bitch. i wouldn’t even use my mother’s toothbrush and i came out of her vagina!
- “what’s wrong? what did that creepy, good-looking bastard do???”
let us always remember that he is good-looking. even when he’s a creep. let us have the other characters mention it constantly even when they are full on hate ranting about him. we need to keep things in perspective because on the one hand he is mentally and physically torturing you but on the other hand – look how hot he is in his white shirt with the open collar and grey flannel pants!
- “my stomach somersaults – he wants me…in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky man wants me.”
the utter desperate neediness of this sentence right here. i can’t even.
- “he steps out of his converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. christian grey’s feet…wow…what is it about naked feet?”
first off it took me about 10 minutes to stop laughing before i could write anything about this one. secondly, is there any other way to take off socks than individually? am i missing out on some sock trick everyone else does? finally, feet are disgusting and nothing about taking off your smelly ass socks is hot. get a grip bitch.
- “now i know what all the fuss is about. two orgasms…coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on the washing machine…wow.”
this. is. hot. i love it when sex reminds me of laundry day. if i was writing a porno, it would be about me and the lever brothers getting caught in a laundry room together. lets just say i get my money back.
- “amy studt is singing in my ear about misfits. this song used to mean so much to me; that’s because i’m a misfit. i never fitted in anywhere.”
i feel like maybe she was a misfit? i dunno though she’s just so subtle about everything and never really goes into it.
- “look at me”, he breathes, and i stare up into his smouldering grey gaze. it is his dom gaze – cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look.”
i’ve just been hit by that adjective explosion and may never recover.
- “hmmm…he’s soft and hard all at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty.”
i agree. i’m assuming she’s talking about a galaxy chocolate bar here right?
- “holy crap…just f*cked pigtails do not suit me either.”
your shitty hair is actually the VERY LEAST of your problems.
- “i’m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake…and he knows exactly what he is doing to me.”
i’m assuming the author just forgot to go back and make this a coherent sentence. i’m all what/the fuck, can’t/believe, this actually/exists.
if anyone can help us embrace the scarlet it’s will and zach. take it away boys.
it happens to the best of us, even vintage colin.
do you ever wake up on a sunday morning and have a lovely twenty seconds of cringe-free bliss before you suddenly, and without warning, get a flashback of the scarlet tornado that was you the night before? scarlet studies show that one out of one people suffer from sudden onset scarletitis between the hours of 9 am and 9pm on sundays after which it can get progressively worse, sometimes even leading into the early hours of monday morning.
it’s a sudden and often contagious disease that has little or no cure- until now! a breakthrough in this disease that nobody likes to talk about may finally be on the way. research has shown that 99.9 % of patients who suffer from sudden onset scarlitis showed significant and noticeable improvements after watching this video, a video dr. morto of the scarlet research centre calls, “a breakthrough for all of the silent victims suffering from this often crippling disease giving hope that yes, there is light at the end of what seems like a very dark almost crimson coloured tunnel.” the video shows a man who appears to be having a full-on scarlet attack while line dancing and then flashes forward to the same man some years later who is now it seems scarlet free. the man has been identified as colin farrell, a 39 year old dublin native and former scarletitis sufferer during one of the worst stages of the disease. at a scarlet press conference last week dr. morto spoke of the impacts colin farrell has had on the millions of scarlitis sufferers worldwide. “he has given hope to all the people suffering with the disease that it is possible to overcome this with very few relapses. from what we can tell, colin has not been seen in public wearing a cowboy hat for almost 20 years and is currently training to be a detective in small town america.”
below is the video, which as you can see is absolutely fucking scarlet. i can only imagine that yer one doing the voice-over agrees with me. #vintagescarlet