No, we REALLY need to talk about Linda. We were actually in the middle of writing a list of Ireland’s most scarlet moments when we realised it was almost ALL about Linda Martin. So, we decided to scrap the rest for now and just focus on Ireland’s true scarlet beacon.
Here are Linda’s top five most horrifying moments.
5: Why The Fuck?
Why me? Why fucking us, Linda? Linda continues her weekly residence on The Late Late show by pounding out this remix of ‘Why Me?’ that NO ONE asked for. Look at her, standing in her own shrine screaming a remix only the bastard child of David Guetta and Marc McCabe could have produced, while the audience scream for help by waving life savers around. It’s too late lads, welcome to hell.
4: Sorry Pharrell.
If you want to know what Linda Martin sounds like after taking a pill with Avicii, look no further than this beauty. She’s at it again. This time trying her scarlet hand at Daft Punk & Pharrell’s ‘Get Lucky’. I want to start a gameshow called, “Linda will ruin it,” where audience members blurt out random songs and Linda has to cover/ruin them on the spot. Please, someone scream ‘Hotline Bling.’ PLEASE!
3: The People v. Linda Martin
The only thing missing from this soap opera is Louis screaming, “LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINDAAAAAAAAA!” after she shivs the face off Billy while the Eastenders theme tune blares in the background. Was it just me or is the sexual tension between Billy and Linda really awks? #BilLinda. At least Ryan can add “bouncer” to his cv.
2: Oh May Gawd Linda
This moment is so scarlet we have written about it twice on Scarlet Brigade. See more here. Now, Linda may only be a supporting character in this tragedy, but we all know the lead, a.k.a Nuhdeen “aye fucken told yew may date o burth,” is nothing without dame scarlet by her side. Linda gives an oscar worthy, gut-wrenching performance as the heartbroken, surrogate mother. If this story is not turned into a true movie during my lifetime I will fucking kill a bitch.
1: The Day The Music Died
Mick sounds like he has been on an absolute bender for about 4 days and stumbled upon an even more shitfaced Linda outside Renards, when this 3 minute scarlet seduction unfolded. It’s like hearing your parents having sex…on a loop. The part where Mick says, “hard” in a really suggestive tone is the beginning of the end. I legit had the runs for two days after hearing this (which as we all know is a symptom of stage 4 scarlet fever).
The only way this song will make sense is if Roy Keane & Twink record a rival duet of ‘Easy Lover.’
*This list was brought to you by the Scarlet Research Centre in association with the Morto 4 Linda Martin Foundation.