Jaysus, Bloodline. What the fuck was all that about?

You absolute mess. Like all toxic relationships, you started out by luring me in with your wicked, sexy ways in Season 1. By Season 2 you were dropping so many scarlet bombs, I barely made it out alive. By the end of Season 3, I was begging for sweet relief every time Kevin, a known idiot, said “I’m NOT an idiot.”

If you haven’t watched Bloodline Season 1 – Still do. Just think of it as a filthy one night stand.

If you haven’t watched Bloodline Season 2 – Just read this scarlet recap we did here.

If you haven’t watched Season 3 – Back away from the TV. RUN. NEVER. LOOK. BACK. ‘CAUSE KEVIN IS BEHIND YOU.

Seriously, don’t. I’m here to save you from a 10 hour heart attack by recapping all the scarlet that went down. The show literally makes NO sense, therefore I haven’t a clue what actually happened, so I’m going to break down the scarlet character by character. The plot and story are irrelevant. Just ask the writers.

Season 2 ended with John legging it. Meg blabbing their dirty secrets to Dame Sally and Kevin fucking everything up by killing Marco.

Kevin ‘I’m-Here-To-Ruin-Your-Day’ Rayburn:

Kevin Rayburn is the DUMBEST fuck to ever grace our screens. He is a character entirely based on Trump, who makes one ludicrous decision after another. Season 3 scarlet kicks off with Kevin flip flopping around Marco’s dead body and calling John about 480 times.  In day one alone Kevin managed to kill someone, blab about it to his mother, get involved in a criminal gang and leave his DNA EVERYWHERE at the murder scene by  sweating out all his brain cells, actually PISSING himself and banging his head while he was crawling around the floor trying to hide from his sister. He then proceeds to blab to John about the dodgy criminal helping him to cover it up, has a full on scarlet meltdown with his top off, ignores everything John says and then get himself shot. Twice. AT THE MURDER SCENE. Of course, the murder weapon Kevin used to kill Marco was a dodgy dolphin-shaped ornament that Marco himself should have been locked up for owning. That’s all just episode one.

Kevin spends the rest of the season trying to convince John he is not an idiot, while continuing to do the stupidest things possible. Kevin is always about one second away from tweeting that he killed Marco. He spends most of his time swimming in the ocean hiding things and trying not to fall over. If he is not sweating or doing coke, he is talking out loud to pictures of his baby son on his phone. His son is called Rocky. Of course he is. Then, his tooth falls out the day before he has to give his testimony at the trial of the man he is framing for murder. In my favourite scene of all time, the dentist tells him he needs a root canal ’cause his tooth fell out from being a stressed-out coke head. The missing tooth shouldn’t bother him too much when he seems to manage fine without a brain. Kevin is ushered into court like a toddler and may as well be reading his testimony off flash cards ’cause it’s so rehearsed. His wife finally cops on that she’s married to the dumbest fucking murderer of all time when he lies in court in front of her, about HER. Kevin then discovers that he is married to Carmella Soprano when he blabs everything to her about what he did and instead of leaving him, they turn into Bonnie and Clyde. Kevin rounds off the season like he started it, by having yet another naked meltdown with a gun to his head. Just pull the trigger, Kevin, and put us all out of this scarlet misery. You probably forgot to put bullets in it anyway. Sadly for us, his wife calms him down like the gangster she is, and they fuck off on dinky boat to Cuba to avoid jail time. Only, turns out, Kevin is not the only dumb one in the family as his wife left her GPS on and the feds find him drinking a fucking corona at the bar and arrest him.

We assume this storyline is a set up for “Kevin Is The New Scarlet” prison spin-off, where Kevin becomes everyone’s bitch within 12 seconds.

John ‘Hold-On-I’m-Having-A-Flashback’ Rayburn:

Season 3 starts with John driving into oblivion trying to run from his murderous ways. It’s not long ’til he’s at it again, knocking a deer down and shooting it in the middle of the road. He legs it to the bus station trying to catch a bus to a place Kevin can never find him. Save yourself the bus fare love, I’m sure you could move in next door to Kevin and he would never figure it out. Kevin eventually ruins his day by getting through to him and making him come home to sort his shit out. John and his never-ending phone battery head back with some old woman in a truck but not before getting high and having 100 flashbacks.

John spends the rest of the ten episodes avoiding phone calls and realizing he killed the wrong brother. Seriously, how has Kevin survived this long? It becomes increasingly obvious that Danny may have been the only normal one in the clan.

John is so busy running around trying to solve everyone’s problems he forgets to change clothes and wears the exact same khaki pants and shirt for 10 episodes. He literally sleeps in them as well. Murderer or not John, that’s mank.

Like all good bachelors, John moves in with his mammy and then has awful sex with his colleague. This, of course, is never mentioned again in the season for fear of a plot developing.

John’s lies that they’re not bad people but just did a bad thing start to unravel when it becomes clear they are ALL FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY. He rounds off the scarlet by spending an entire episode hallucinating after some plot line about diving that makes no sense. He ends the season by getting Kevin out of yet ANOTHER mess, talking to Danny’s dodgy wig ghost and walking in his what must be now FILTHY kaki pants, to confess his sins to Avril Lavigne, I mean Danny’s son.

The last 3 episodes of Bloodline looked like leftovers found in the editing room. Half of the scenes looked like they were from a different show entirely and for a show that marked itself on being slow burning and suspense driven, the ending was criminally boring. Seriously, the writers should be locked up for fraud.

Kyle Chandler deserves a nobel peace prize for trying to make any of this story work.

Sally ‘I-Fucking-Hate-My-Kids’ Rayburn:

She might not have blood on her hands but we all know the real gangster of the Rayburn mafia is Sally. Between her ties to the murky underworld and her Oscar-winning performance lying in court, Sally has proven herself to be the real MVP of this season. She spends season 3 trying to figure to keep up with which kid murdered who, kicking Kevin out of the house, getting shitfaced in the kitchen, having conversations with herself on the phone, and telling her kids she hates them. She ends the season broke and alone wondering where it all went wrong. I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say it’s when Kevin was born.

Meg ‘You-Can-Call-Me-Amy’ Rayburn.

Meg fucked off after episode two and changed her name to Amy. I’m assuming this was on request of the actress playing her ’cause she had read the script and wanted no part of it.

Nolan ‘Sk8er-Boi’ Rayburn;

God, how annoying is Nolan? Moping around the place like a wet fish. Still blaming himself. Shut up, Nolan. He arrives back purely as a plot device. Laden down with cheques from some mysterious job he was working at “up north.” I’m assuming this is Rayburn code for “he’s a drug dealer” as well. The creators threw another one of their classic dodgy wigs on him and made him play young Danny as well. Actually cringe.

I honestly have no real clue what the purpose of having Nolan in this season was except to piss me off.

Everything Else:

• Who the FUCK is that random woman who knows Danny and lurks around the back of every scene?
• Why bother bringing John Leguizamo’s character back? He just keeps popping up like a greasy ghost in scenes, threatening people. Sally needs to get some security down at the Inn.
• Why is Detective Lisp made to look like he knows something when he clearly knows FUCK ALL!?!
• Someone needs to call social services on John & Diana. Their kids are literally never supervised and seem to be on drugs.
• Whoever runs the wig department is the only one truly having a laugh on this show. The actual HACK of the wigs on this show.