Boyzlife Create New Levels Of Mort

“Fuck sake, d’ya hear about this?”


“The Boyzlife tour, if you can call it that. McFuckface and Duffy doing a “tour” of the Hilton hotels. Jaysus, that’s bleak. Even by their standards.”

“I genuinely thought that was just a very expensive back to work scheme FAS was doing for ex boybander’s who have fallen on hard times.”

“It doesn’t even make sense though, usually the shit ones in boy bands know their shit, ya know. They keep the head down and thank lord Louis every day that they even get to stand on a stage. D’ya think Howard Donald is plotting a solo tour?!. Course he’s fucking not. He knows his place. Stood in the back, whispering away to ‘Back For Good’ for the rest of his life. Absolutely delighted with himself. Not McFadden and Duffy though. McFadden would put his face on a fucking Trocaire box if he thought it would it would keep him in the limelight.”

“D’ya not think they are just chancing their luck though, or do you really think that THEY think it’s legit, that people have been at home praying for a day out in the Hilton with them, surely they can’t be that delusional?”

“McFadden 100% thinks that he is the REAL DEAL. In his mind, the Hilton conference room is Madison Square Gardens and he is Bruce Springsteen. The fucking cheek of him pretending he was in Westlife for more than 12 minutes, sure he thought he was too good for them aswell. Keith Duffy seems alright though. Like, in comparison.”

“He looks like a plumber, doesn’t he?”

“I’d say he actually does a bit of plumbing on the side. He seems sound enough though, like if you were short a few bob he would ring Ronan Keating, ask him for a lend of a fiver and give it to you. Actually did ya hear Keating only sold 203 copies of his latest album in Ireland. Fucking pissing myself over that”

“203!!! Who the fuck are these 203 people?? That’s 202 more than I thought he would sell. D’ya think it was Louis Walsh in HMV wearing a load of different wigs, just continuously buying it?”

“Ha ha, yeah cause he doesn’t even know iTunes fucking exists. He has a tent pitched outside HMV the night before with a poster of Ronan, trying to create a buzz.”

“Meanwhile, Ronan’s at home clicking away on his iTunes, maxing out his credit card.”

“Where d’ya think Mikey Graham is in all of this?”

“Probably down the pub with Kian Egan plotting McFadden’s demise.”

“Yas. I would fucking love if the two of them started a rival group called something even shitter like, “MenZone” and begin a tour of local bingo halls.”

“Fucking World War 3 breaks out when McFadden gets wind that the MenZone tour is actually selling out.”

“He gets Duffy all riled up and the two of them start a war, the only way they know how…through Twitter. Of course, McFadden eventually deletes all his misspelled tweets.”

“But only after The Daily Mail has printed them all.”

“Meanwhile, Louis Walsh is in Tesco throwing Ronan’s CDs in people’s trolleys.”

“Fucking Louis! Right, here’s one for you: Shag. Marry. Kill… McFadden, Louis and Ronan? GO!”

“Christ, that’s grim. I would have to shag Ronan. I imagine it would be three minutes of him singing some Boyzone in your ear… He’d say a quick prayer after, make you throw a fiver in a Marie Keating foundation box and he’d be gone. McFadden is clearly getting throttled. I won’t go into details for legal reasons about how I would do it, but it wouldn’t be pretty. So, that leaves me as, Mrs. Louis Walsh.”

“Ha ha! Would you MARRY Louis?!”

“See, the thing with Louis is, at least you feel that he is a LITTLE bit in on the joke, no? McFadden’s main problem is he takes himself too seriously. Nothing worse than a talentless git who thinks he’s Bob Dylan. Louis though, he has never really claimed to be talented, or has he?”

“We’ve actually been talking about Boyzlife for about an hour. Christ. I need a smoke.”

“Have we? Fucking scarlet.”








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