Day 20 In The Big Brother House & We’re Fucking Scarlet For Everyone

When it was revealed earlier this year that Big Brother UK had been snapped up by TV3 and would be returning to Irish television for all of us poor, cheapo peasants with a UPC box, I greeted the news with dread. This is because I love Big Brother and I loathe Big Brother. I watch it with both eagerness and hatred. Since Channel 4 axed it and UPC customers were unable to get the new Channel 5 version (living in a world where even Channel 5 is too expensive for Ireland – christ!) I have not missed it in my life at all. I actually never even gave it a second thought. But knowing it would just be there, on and available to me is a different story. I knew immediately that the Big-Brother-free-life I had built for myself would be a thing of the past. I knew that every night would now consist of me staring at 10 simpletons sitting around a house fighting over fucking eggs, actually hating myself because I am riveted.

Big Brother is worthless trash and a breeding ground for morons and as such the description written underneath it in TV guides might as well just say “look at this absolute shite explosion on at 10, you know you wanna watch.” Scarlet for me but, like, we all have flaws.

This year’s Big Brother has had its ups and downs. Mainly downs. I can’t even keep track of the amount of toxic, pointless, IQ lowering arguments that occurred.

Yes, there was in fact a fight over eggs. Yes, someone let professional simpleton and former winner Brian Belo back in the house (he quickly disintegrated into an anxiety ridden shell of a human when faced with the utter hostility of this year’s contestants – so much so that after a particularly vitriolic argument he fucking Indiana Jones style scaled a wall and flung himself into the arms of the hidden cameramen begging for death). Yes, there was a Dublin bloke called Marc who initially came across like the most detestable prick in existence but soon was like watching Beyonce rock Glasto when compared with the utter mind numbing boringness of everyone else in there. Yes, we had about 10 showmances all hitting different red levels on the cringe-0-meter:

Danny/Sarah

Showmance status – bed cuddles

Jade/Nick

Showmance status – “We’re only friends who like touching faces”

Danny/Aisleyne

Showmance status – “I’ve known you an hour and we brushed hands twice YOU CAN NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN EVER, WHYDOYOUHATEME!!!”

Marc/Sam

Showmance status – “I thought I fancied you but then we kissed and now you repulse me”.

Jade/Brian Belo

Showmance status – fucking utterly MORTIFIED for you Jade.

Jade/Christian

Showmance status – “I did NOT touch your leg, Christian, you twat! I suggestively caress the inner thighs of ALL my friends!!!”

Nick/Nikki Graham

Showmance status – taking place entirely in Nikki Graham’s head.

Christian/Jasmine

Showmance status – dry humping against a door in full view of everyone

Nick/Harry

Showmance status – toxic waste dump of negative emotions, jealousy and paranoia but sometimes they snuggle so I guess it’s worth it?

So, it’s been eventful. I mean absolutely fucking awful, but eventful.

This thursday will mercifully be the end and I can finally get my life back. 8 contestants remain so let me give you a rundown of who we have left and their glorious personalities.

Jack aka Pieface

pieface

Look at the fucking head on him. That dressing gown has been glued onto his back since week 1 and he is in no rush to take it off. It will have to be surgically extracted from his body when the show ends and I shudder at the thought of what mouldy bits of bread and cheese are living underneath. Probably a housefly colony blossoming somewhere under his left armpit. also – do not let the little wry smile that Jack is giving in this photo mislead you into thinking this guy is a happy person. He is the grumpiest little shit who ever walked planet earth. Always red faced with exasperation and disbelief at his unpopularity. Not to mention all that exertion from sitting around on his hole. Jack is so desperate to be liked both inside and outside the house that the neediness comes off him in waves. Or maybe that’s just his b.o. Either way – take a fucking shower Jack. Outside the show, Jack is a manager in McDonald’s and also suffers from a gambling addiction which apparently do not come hand in hand. His friends all call him Pieface – of course they fucking do, it’s perfect.  How could you not call him pieface.

Nick aka Poor Little Rich Boy

 nick

Nick’s da is a billionaire and so he is not in Big Brother for the money but instead for “the experience.” I don’t even know what to say to that lads. I’m morto for him that this is the best idea he could come up with. Could he not just go inter-railing? Unfortunately for Nick all the money in his trust fund can’t buy him a working set of balls, so he is constantly trampled over by every single person he comes into contact with. In particular Harry – his on/off love interest within the series. Harry’s mood swings range from the deranged to the psychotic and Nick’s will to live dwindles before our eyes each and every time he has a front row seat to one of her rage attacks or one of her demonstrative tutorials on passive-aggression as a form of torture. I mean maybe he’s a masochist and the whole waking nightmare they’ve got going on is actually turning him on? Other than acting as Harry’s own personal punching bag Nick’s other special skill is picking his nose and eating it with the wild, unashamed abandon of a man who grew up with so much money and so few friends that no one ever bothered to tell him that it was gross as fuck.

Harry aka Psycho-Killer Qu’est-ce Que C’est

 harry

I mean, where to begin. I do actually feel a bit sorry for her. For a girl who entered the house wearing a latex nurses outfit, giggling like a moron and flashing her tits so much that by her first week I could describe them better than my own, the process of this show has truly broken her. Now it’s like watching lady Macbeth’s decent into madness. The girl is either legitimately off her fucking biscuit or on the verge of a nervous breakdown. On any given day she is exploding into fury because Nick didn’t smile at her or curling into a ball under her manky duvet refusing to speak because Nick smiled at her too much. Yesterday during a fight with Pieface, she was screaming, “I’M A HYPOCRITE, I’M A CHILD, I’M 6!!!” and cackling manically to herself on the balcony. Seriously, love…stop. In real life Harry is a dominatrix and good jaysus that must be the scariest sex a person could ever have in their lives. Like masturbating using a live grenade as a vibrator.

Sam aka #Happyspa

 sam

Sam is one of those people who says “hashtag loving life” completely un-ironically. She is just there. all the time. Loving fucking life. Loving it in a way that is either completely and utterly fake or, if sincere, makes me question her sanity. Sam’s only contribution to the house has been to smile a lot and constantly apologise for having to nominate people because “she loves everyone like.” Which ya know probably means she is a genuinely nice person but in this pressure cooker of madness is the equivalent to watching paint dry.

Christian aka Who?

 christian

I guess you can’t be as pretty as Christian and also possess any sort of personality. I suppose he did nearly ride Jasmine against a door while all the other housemates pretended not to watch so they can just loop that one sequence repeatedly for 2 minutes and use it as his “best bits.”

Chloe aka Little Miss Normal

 chloe

Chloe has a mortgage, a car and a boyfriend. She talks about these 3 things a lot, as if the possession of these holy grail items means she has “made it” as an adult human. Eh, sorry Chloe, but I’ll think you find “making it” as an adult is when the €1, barely drinkable coffee filter machine in your work canteen is broken and the girl behind the counter has to make you an americano instead but doesn’t charge you the extra €1.50 for it. Get back to me when you’re dealing with that level of success.

 Danny aka White Knight Syndrome

danny

Let’s be real. Danny is probably gonna win coz he’s taken it upon himself to be protector of the innocents within the house. As if everyone in there isn’t over the age of 18 and a grown up capable of standing up for themselves. He actually manages to make stepping in to defend people an irritating quality rather than an admirable one, which is some feat. Had a bit of a scary showmance with Aisleyne that he wasn’t so much a part of as he was dragged into as she took it upon herself to start sneaking into his bed at night and lying directly on his crotch. He wasn’t exactly pushing her off mind. Danny is a builder or something along those lines which adds to those “regular guy” credentials that he is riding all the way to the final. Small problem for Danny is that when he loses his temper he tends to reach for the item nearest to him and fuck it at whoever might be standing near by. So far, he has flung pizza boxes around the kitchen in a hilariously embarrassing mini tantrum, fucked a glass of water in someone’s face and, in one of the most scarlietizing moments ever witnessed on this show, milled a ham sandwich at Marc that he was actually half way through eating. What a dickhead. Who wastes a ham sandwich like that while mid chew. He should lose for that alone.

Joel aka Mr. Prime Minister

 joel

Joel is 19 and a member of the British conservative party.  In one of the most gloriously misjudged calculations I’ve ever witnessed in my life , he made a shady deal with big brother in which he sacrificed £2,000 of the winner’s prize money for a pizza, thinking he’d be given a Dominos family meal deal or some shit. Instead, he was given a frozen piece of barely edible, vomity-looking, cheesey shite about the size of a coaster. He then accidentally burned his cheese vomit in the oven. So basically, he paid someone £2,000 to make him look like a fucking eejit.  Jesus, don’t let this dope become Prime Minister whatever you do Britain. I’m going as red as his jumper just thinking about it.

These are the gems we’ve been given this year. Someone who actually encourages people to call him Pieface. Someone who burned the tiny frozen pizza he paid two thousand pound for. Please, let the end be quick and their five minutes in the spotlight afterward even quicker.

Also, please remember that I watch this so you don’t have to.

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