Madonna – Swinging Off The Scarlet Tree Since 1984

Fuck sake Madonna, would you ever sit down and have a cup of tea. You must be wrecked from all the cringe attacks you have had this year. Below are four absolute horror shows from the past six months. It’s kind of impressive  to be have built up this much morto in such a short time but she has always been an overachiever, in fairness to her.

SCARLET BRIGADE DISCLAIMER: The videos you are about to see contain graphic and disturbing images and should not be watched alone. It is advised to watch in a dark room with the volume on low and please, remember that these cannot be unseen.

1. Started From The Bottom Lip

Here she is trying to suck the youth out of Drake. Apparently she did a right number on him, he looks like he swallowed a fucking moth. He has not been seen in public since and is believed to be shacked up in a Madonna proof location recording his new album ‘Riddled‘.

2. Will Someone Take The Valium Off Her, NOW!

I imagine this will be the opening clip of her VHI ‘Where Are They Now?’ special in a few years. Apparently Madge thinks she is a closeted comedian and Jimmy is so far up her arse he only went and opened the closet door for her. BIG MISTAKE JIMMY BOY. HUGE. I would have sacrificed my mother to see just one of the poor unsuspecting members of the audience during this onslaught. I imagine they looked a lot like this poor sod.

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Run DMC just emailed me there as well Madge, they want all their shit back. Like yesterday.

3. THE Fall

Sorry, will this ever not be funny?! Five months on and every time is like the first time. I normally don’t think people falling is funny (usually because it’s me) but this KILLS me every time, mostly because it’s the only good thing about this truly horrific performance. It sounds like Geri Halliwell doing a duet with her cat. Ugh, my ears are still ringing. Lets all have a moment of silence for the now unemployed dancer who tripped her up.

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4. Bitch, I’m Scarlet

I’ve saved the best for last, Madge’s latest cringe onslaught is ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’. I’ve given you two options to watch, the first video is without the real music and it’s genius (created by the epic House of Halo). It’s what I suspect Madonna actually sounds like without auto tuning and it’s now my go to video for life reassurance. It  consists primarily of ol’ Madge running around the place, shitfaced, molesting young fellas and screaming repeatedly “Bitch, I’m Madonna”.

One of the other people who seem to think they’re also madonna is Chris Rock and if you look closely in the video you can see him mouth “I thought this was a fundraiser for Madonna”. It’s more of an awareness video than anything, Chris, but absolutely fair play for turning up and confusing the poor woman even more. Rita ‘just call me Rihanna’ Ora is there aswell trying to claim that SHE is in fact Madonna. Jesus, make up your fucking mind Rita. Never one to miss an opportunity to worm his scarlet head in is Yeesuz himself, Kanye West, he seems to have filmed something from the back of whatever closet Kris Jenner has him locked in and demanded it to be included in this mess. To be honest, I wish the video had ended with Kanye convincing Madonna that HE is in fact Madonna and then we get to watch her lose her marbles completely. The second video is the official full four minute song and it’s even more terrifying than one would expect.

One time my mates mother was really shitfaced at a wedding and started singing, ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’, while grinding up against the best man, whom I’m pretty sure was her actual blood nephew.

Anyway, I hope she has watched this video so she feels less scarlet about her own life now.

If you, or anyone you know has been affected by these or any of Madonna’s videos please call us on 1800- Morto-4-Madonna 

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