There was a story recently in the news about Westlife songs being used as a torture method by the CIA. Does that even surprise you? If I had to listen to 1 mili second of Kian Egan even breathing on a song I would admit to ANYTHING. Who shot JR? I fucking did, lock me up and be done with it. Give me the needle. Just end this vocal massacre, NOW.
Expect every scarlet track of the day to appear in the next series of Homeland while Claire Danes tries not to have another fucking meltdown. Here she is below listening to Brian McFadden’s solo album.
The birth of scarlet can be traced back to this dark, dark time in Irish history. The day the world was introduced to Boyzone and the other two randoms.
Sometimes, late at night I wonder what’s Mark Walton doing now? I’m assuming he is in witness protection somewhere throwing knives at a Louis Walsh dartboard. Gaybo, never a man to beat around the bush, repeatedly reminds the audience what worthless pieces of shit Boyzone are, while Ronan “God bless you” Keating looks like he has won the actual jackpot. Look at him giving it fucking socks on the dance floor, not an ounce of scarlet radiating off him. No, he leaves it up to the audience to pull a full body reddner on his behalf. Meanwhile, Shane Lynch, still coming down off some E from the night before hasn’t a fucking bat where he is! Someone get him a glass of water before he passes out.
I was doing a cover letter for a job application recently and I was thinking, “is there anything more fucking annoying in this world than doing a CV? Spending hours trying to bullet point your bullshit. Do I look like I am proficient at excel?? I STILL USE FUCKING BING AS A SEARCH ENGINE!!!” Anyway, during that little thought process, I discovered that yes, there is something more annoying than the soul crushing experience of cover letters and it’s Ronan Keating.
My scarlet sister sent me a link to this Boyzone classic ‘Key To My Life’ recently saying, “why do people even bother making music videos any more when nothing will ever compare to this masterpiece? Featuring Stephen Gately doing a Ted Bundy impression that I think was meant to be romantic but comes across more like he is plotting his teacher’s murder”.
Being the investigative journalist that she is, she asked some very valid questions:
- Why is the teacher calling a roll? There are five of them in the fucking class! What kind of moron is she?
- Why is Ronan so pissed off that Stephen fancies the teacher? does he fancy Stephen??
- Why does Stephen recoil almost back into his own flesh when the teacher touches him? Does he have sciatica?
- Does Keith Duffy know he’s in a video or does he genuinely think this is a day at school?